How To Get A Guy, From Someone Who Has Never Really Gotten One

How To Get A Guy, From Someone Who Has Never Really Gotten One

So you want a man, but don’t know where to start. Luckily for you, I’m willing to be your mentor. I’ve seen a total of three penises, had one beau in elementary school, and I even third wheel more than Harry Potter around Ron and Hermione. So you can basically call me a relationship guru.

In addition to my own relationship worldliness, I decided to further my research on the male brain to find out exactly how women are supposed to lock down a guy. So I’ve accumulated all of the tips you will need to lure a fellow in, whether it’s just for one blow job or for a lifetime.

1. Introduce Yourself In A Memorable Way
A man wants a lady who will take initiative and who exudes confidence. Keep staring at him until he notices you. When he looks away, it means it is time to march up to him and introduce yourself. Give him a funny and straightforward response when he asks your name such as “Your Future Wife.” He will love it because it shows you have a silly side, but you also go after what you want, which in this case is him.

2. Impress Him With Your Ditziness
Communication is everything. All guys love girls who act coy and a little ditzy. He will think it’s so sexy when you cock your head to the side, bat your eyelashes too much, and say, “Whaaaat? Hahaha”

3. Be Tenacious
The key to proving your loyalty to him is by never leaving his side that way he doesn’t have to worry about you talking to other dudes. Linger around him and his friends as long as you can. Guys need to know you’re not going anywhere. He will be impressed by your devotion to him.

4. Talk About His Interests
In order to get his attention, you need to tell him how much you love sports, beer, and Game of Thrones. Talk about how hot that one guy who plays that one position for that one team looks when he throws the ball. He will love that you share the same interests.

5. Tease Him A Little
Guys love girls who are unpredictable. He won’t be able to keep it in his pants if you slowly grope his penis under the bar and seductively whisper, “Your deodorant smells so sexy right now” or, “Your eyebrows are on fleek and it’s really making me wet.” He will be so turned on and eager to get out of there with you.

6. Be A Texting Queen
If you do get his number, don’t text him until the next day. You have to play hard to get. If he doesn’t text you first the next day, text him. Remember, guys love girls with confidence. If he doesn’t respond to the first text, wait two minutes to send him another message asking what he’s doing. After 15 texts without his response, start adding his friends on Facebook and messaging them. Chances are something horrible happened to him and you need to find out what so you can be there for him.

7. Leave Your Shit At His House On Purpose
What better way to keep him wanting more than by leaving your junk over at his house? He will find your thong (note: one of the sexiest things you should leave) after you are gone and instantly start reminiscing on the magnificent time you spent together. You two really are soulmates, and you definitely should tell him just that.

Image via Shutterstock

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Kellie Stritz

Kellie, spelled with an "ie," practically resides at Starbucks even though they have yet to spell her name correctly. She's obsessed with the color pink, Elle Woods, and Bitmoji's. Her biggest accomplishment is breaking the record within her sorority for how many standards hearings she has had without getting kicked out. She spends her free time trying to stay tan (i.e. sunburnt) and stalking people on social media.

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