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How To Get A Boyfriend

Boyfriend

Hopelessly single? Wishing you had someone to cuddle with, and a reason to stop shaving your legs? Do you meet guys all the time, but just don’t know how to take them from your boy friend to your boyfriend? Well, you’re in luck. Just follow this guide and you’ll have a perma-date to formal in no time.

Get To Know Him

Obviously, if you’re going to date a guy, you’re going to have to get to know each other. The easiest way to do this is to stalk the shit out of him. Use Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Instagram to learn about his interests and what he looks like through an Amaro filter. Like all of his statuses, and reply to his tweets so he knows you’re interested in learning about him. Don’t forget to scroll through all 258 of his Instagram photos. He’ll want to tap it if you double tap that.

Confidence

Guys think confidence is sexy. You should regularly tell the guys you are interested in dating how smart, beautiful, and desirable you are. Your goal should be to let him know–regularly–that you could leave him at any second for someone better, and you know it. It’s best to point out his shortcomings when you do so. This not only makes him feel extremely attracted to you, but it also ensures he will never leave you. He knows you’re the best he can get.

Don’t Nag

A lot of women have a tendency to nag. Men hate this. Be sure to form everything in the form of a statement so you never come off as naggy. Use “You are prohibited from going out next Friday. You’re coming to formal with me,” instead of “I was really hoping you’d come to formal with me next Friday.” Use “I’m taking this shirt. I don’t care if it’s your favorite,” instead of “Can I borrow a T-shirt?” Use “I’ve already picked out your outfit for tomorrow. It’s the polo I bought you,” instead of “Why don’t you ever wear that polo I bought you?” See? You get what you want, and he doesn’t feel nagged. You both win.

Communication Is Key

The most important part of a relationship is communication, so you should establish this early on. You should always communicate with him. Always. This means frequent phone calls, text messages, emails, tweets–whatever it takes. I once called a guy 32 times in a row. The key is persistence. Do not give up until you’re communicating. He will be your boyfriend in no time.

Remember: No One Wants To Buy The Cow If You’re Giving Out Milk For Free

What this means is that you should never sleep with him, unless he pays you. I don’t mean literally, of course. You can accept payment in the form of presents. This ensures the milk is never free. Eventually, he will “buy the cow,” meaning he will become your boyfriend. At this time, he can just give you his credit card instead of buying you presents ahead of time. Once you are bought, you can sleep with him regularly. However, reserve blow jobs for special occasions. This will make him remember he still has to work for you.

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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