Happy July 3, folks. The only thing that should be on your mind today is hydrating your body in preparation for tomorrow’s day-long day drink. For those of you in school, it’s summer, so you probably have nothing better to do. For those of you in the working world, can I get a thank God hallelujah that July 5 falls on a weekend? With all the hangovers we finally don’t need to be worried about permanently affecting our lives the next day, we ladies of liberty can feel free to go all out in remembrance of that one time we gave England a gigantic middle finger 238 years ago. I’m here to tell you how to dress for the occasion, because girls, this red, white, and blue fest only happens once a year. Actually, that’s completely false, thanks to the World Cup and every other theme party I’ve ever attended. Regardless, prepare yourself to dress like the rest of the women in these beautiful States, because at the end of the day, we are still one nation.
An American Flag Bandana Wrapped Around Your Head Like A Hippie
This look always goes best with big, loose curls, Ray-Ban aviators, and the X-Pro II Insta filter. This outfit accessory is nice because it costs only about a dollar and you can pick it up at any local party store. And if all the bandanas are out of stock because the other white girls beat you to them, no worries! By the time you show up to your Fourth party, there will be an abundance of gals you can steal from who are 14 Jell-O flag shots deep. They’re probably starting to take their clothes off, anyway.
High-Waisted, Destroyed Wash, American Flag Denim Shorts
This year, honor the American flag by spending all of Independence Day picking it out of your butt. High-waisted shorts are no doubt the trend of the decade, so follow suit with American Apparel and Urban Outfitters and model a classic pair of jorts with a faded flag.
Really Any Other Patriotic High-Waisted Short, Honestly
The goal is to mimic Taylor Swift. I mean, the woman did write a whole album about one-third of our flag’s colors. Homegirl embodies white girl like no one else on this planet.
The Pinterest Project Gone Wrong
Last Fourth of July, I took a pair of white shorts and sewed “Stars” on the left cheek pocket and “Bars” on the right cheek pocket. I ended up sitting in a puddle of what was probably Natty Light. However, that was not before my less-than-mediocre sewing skills caused my cheap fabric to hang off my butt pockets like a couple of tags I left on from the store. The good news is that I fit right in with all the other “crafty” girls’ attempts at imitating Pinterest. So, this year, I say we leave the sewing to Betsy Ross and use staples instead for longevity and stability.
This is something you definitely won’t regret, ladies. Red lipstick makes your teeth look whiter than a girl who religiously practices #TBT and your eyes bluer than the balls of the guys you string along. That killer red, white, and blue combination empowers you to outdrink all the fellas by showing off your out of this world shotgunning abilities. Thanks to the aerodynamics of a Natty can, your lipstick manages to smudge all the way up to your nose and beyond. As Beyoncé would probably say, “fierce.”
There you have it, women of TSM. Bust out some “Proud To Be An American” and get your iPhones ready to snap photos. The Fourth of July really is one of the best days to stock up on potential sorority Tumblr photos. Drink a PBR and celebrate your heart out since you live in the best mother-effing country on this planet.