How To Determine If You’re A Psycho, From A Man’s Perspective

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“Boys are stupid, girls are crazy.” We’ve heard it our whole lives. Is it true? Eh, sort of, but I’m not here to talk about nuanced social gender constructs. I write jokes about booze and penises for a living, for Christ’s sake. For the purposes of this column, we’re going to assume that the above quote is accurate. As much as we talk about crazy girls, how can you actually know that you’re one of them? Well, wonder no more, because I’m here with a completely arbitrary list of certain indicators that could possibly point to you being crazy.

1. Constant Texting
It’s amazing the lengths that some girls will go to once they have your number. I’ve seen some screenshots from friends where it’s literally three full pages of one-sided messages. Obviously, I’m not saying guys don’t do the same thing, but that’s not what we’re talking about right now. Here’s a pretty decent rule of thumb. No matter how well your dates seem to have gone, if he doesn’t respond to three of your texts in a row, it’s game over. Don’t follow that up with the passive-aggressive (or sometimes aggressive-aggressive) text about how he’s missing out or whatever. If you look at your message history and the vast, vast majority of it consists of you throwing texts into a void, you should probably reevaluate your energy usage on this particular guy.

2. Judging Any Girl Who Flirts With Any Guy
Guys get a bad rap for propagating the “slut” stereotype, but I would argue that girls are equally, if not more, guilty of it. It always cracks me up to hear girls in our group just totally trash every other woman in the bar who wears anything moderately attractive and reveals or shows any sort of interest in any guy present, especially if she promptly follows up by going over to gently touch arms with some guy, tilts her head to the side, and laughs at every stupid joke. If you find yourself angrily going on rants about girls who are operating under the same practices as you are, you might be in crazy territory.

3. Excessive Social Media Stalking
I know, I know, it’s a skill set that you’ve all honed to perfection over the years. Don’t worry, I’m not here to tell you to stop your mysterious Facebook kung fu–I’m just warning you that it can take you to dark places. Going to check out a guy to see if he’s single or to see what his previous girlfriends look like is great. Hell, if there’s a guy you’re crushing on, feel free to check in every now and then just to make sure he’s not seeing anyone new, or to get some info on stuff he likes so you can “accidentally” bring it up in conversation. But be reasonable about it. Don’t obsessively check every profile he owns every single day. If you’re going to, don’t constantly like or favorite all of his posts, because if you want a one-way ticket to Crazytown, that’s how you get one.

4. Liking Beyoncé Too Much
Slow down. Breathe. I know this just made some of you nearly pass out. Don’t worry, I love Beyoncé as much as the next guy who’s secure in his masculinity and has good taste in pop music. However, this whole Queen Bey, overlord of sass, goddess-worship needs to stop. Beyoncé is somewhat playing a character with her persona, just like most artists. She’s not all ‘tude, all the time. But somehow, a whole group of girls (and snappy-snap gay guys) seem to have missed that part of it. Just take a moment the next time you’re about to start doing your head swirl and Mutombo finger wag (just Google it) and ask yourself if you’re doing it because it’s funny, or because you somehow think that you’ve transformed into a strong black woman who don’t need no man.

5. Getting Along Better With Guys
This is the king of all of them. I think guys have really gotten a lot better about being able to read the red flags of a girl who says she “hates drama” and “always gets along better with dudes.” I’m not denying that there are girls out there who really just get along better with males, but they don’t feel the need to tell you that. If you prefer the company of guys for whatever reason, that’s great. Just don’t rattle on and on about it, because the more you do, the more the guys around you will realize that all of that drama you’re allegedly running from was probably started by you.

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Sterling Cooper

Sterling Cooper (aka Randall J. Knox, or simply, "Knox") is a contributor to TFM/TSM and PostGrad Problems. He enjoys Richard Curtis movies, puppy videos, and whines about being single more than a drunk girl tweeting from an anonymous Twitter account alone in the backseat of a taxi.

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