How To Construct The Perfect Subtweet

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The subtweet is quite possibly the greatest tool in a sassy bitch’s arsenal since the weave. Subtweeting, which The Oxford English Dictionary (read: Urban Dictionary) defines as a tweet that is “directly referring to a particular person without mentioning their name or directly mentioning them,” is the most technologically advanced way to talk behind someone’s back. Naturally, everyone sees it–potentially even the person you’re making a nasty-ass reference to.

Fierce, sassy betches are drawn to subtweeting like flies are to freshly laid manure, but like most things when it comes to being a sassy betch, subtweeting properly is an art form. I’m only just learning the skill myself, but certain betches make it look like magic.

Effortless. I can’t even. That subtweet makes ME want to cry, and I know I’m not the subject of said tweet. Flawless.

Here’s how you, too, can construct the perfect subtweet.

1. Select Your Subject

You can’t just subtweet any old bitch. People will think you’re just a cranky, whiny misanthrope. You can’t go around having people think you hate people. Otherwise, well, you’ll lose all your followers and then you won’t be able to subtweet anyone. What you have to do is just pick someone who’s an awful, heinous piece of work. It has to be someone who really gets under your skin–whenever you see his or her name pop up on Facebook, your blood boils because of annoying posts about still being in school when he or she REALLY should have graduated a long time ago or condescending statuses about “the struggle” of working at an unpaid internship when you know his or her parents make ludicrous amounts of money. You could subtweet the horribly under-qualified people who add you out of the blue on LinkedIn or the girl who doesn’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re,” despite being someone who is paid to teach children. You know, basically anyone who makes different life choices than you that annoy you.

2. Craft The Perfect Insult

It has to be the sassiest one-liner. You can’t belabor the point–you really have to knock it out of the park in one shot and get to the bitchiness quickly. You only have 140 characters here, and you have to make it count. You shouldn’t really tweet out more than one tweet about a person either, MAXIMUM two. Otherwise you’re going on a Twitter rant, and someone, possibly the person you’re tweeting about, will notice. This person will then accuse you of being obsessed. Nobody wants that. You’ve only got one shot, wannabe Eminems, so do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime…or at least, once in an awful betch’s engagement announcement.

Be cruel but not crude. No vulgarities necessary. Just write something that would make someone’s stomach drop into his or her ass, something that would make someone cry. Dig deep into the bitchy part of your soul and let the evil bubble to the top. Trust me, everyone’s got it in ’em. Show no mercy.

3. Ensure Plausible Deniability

“That could be any Emily on the Internet,” has to be your rallying cry; that’s your story, and you’re sticking to it. “Pshhh, that could be about anyone! You’re paranoid. Relax.” ABSOLUTELY call people paranoid–that’s a great way to get them off of your path. The best way to ensure plausible deniability is to follow these three simple steps: don’t use names, be as vague as possible, and if all else fails, deny, deny, deny. Deny till you die.

4. Let It Fly

Let me set the scene for you. You’re sitting in front of your computer or you’re on your phone. You have Twitter open. You’ve crafted and finished the perfect tweet, cut it down to less than 140 characters, gone over it 48 times to make sure it’s okay, sent screenshots to your friends who all say, “LOL OMG you’re RIDIC”…and yet, you can’t do it. Something comes up. Your conscience appeals to your sense of judgment, imploring you to be a good person.

Tell that little weenie to SHUT UP. Unleash your anger. Let the hatred flow through you. Look at that person’s Facebook profile to build the hate and hit “SEND.” Let it go, Elsa. You are one with the bitchiness and bile. You’ve let your feelings out into the universe instead of bottling them up, and you can now go about your day much happier and healthier. Subtweeting can be very therapeutic and can honestly make you feel great. It’s even better if the bitch you hate favorites it as well. They’re so vain, they probably think that tweet is about them…but it actually is, betch.

Ladies, keep subtweeting. Ain’t no shame. Just make sure there are no names and you’ll avoid getting your weave pulled off and your eyes clawed out.

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New York's Hottest Club is wherever I am. Haters to the front, hunky Sailors to the back. Bow down betches. Follow this bitch on Twitter @StefonTSM

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