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How To Avoid Being The Worst Kind Of Girl Ever

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We all know that girl. She has a boyfriend, and she wants everyone to know how #blessed she is to have him. She’s all over social media with #bestboyfriendever, and she’s the only person who uses hashtags like that without irony. If she hasn’t posted anything about him in a week, you’re pretty sure they broke up–or he threw himself off a cliff after being tagged in a Facebook status, Instagram post, and tweet all within a two-minute time span. One time, I Man Candy Monday-ed my boyfriend, and I lost eight followers within minutes. Even though I told myself that eight people had probably just all decided to delete their Instagram accounts at one time, it was a sharp wake up call that no one else wants to see that shit, so don’t post it. It’s called social media for a reason; you put ideas and images out there that you think your friends and family will either find interesting or amusing. A screenshot of a Snapchat he sent you wishing you a good day does not fall under either category.

Follow these few rules to avoid being “that girl.”

Don’t #MCM him every damn Monday. You’re dating, we know.

“Happy first day of senior year! I’m so proud of you! #proudgirlfriendd #bestboyfriend #blessed.” You are not his mother. I repeat, NOT HIS MOTHER. Leave the Facebook updates about his life to the woman who birthed him.

Don’t be so wrapped up in texting him every minute of the day that you go an entire girls’ night without making direct eye contact with any of your friends.

Do not screenshot and post texts and Snapchats. If he’s sending it to you directly, keep it to yourself. You’re not “so lucky” that he texts you “goodnight babe, your the best.” I’m pretty sure a monkey with an iPhone could do the same, and the monkey would probably know the difference between “you’re” and “your.”

The cardinal rule to not being a social media douchebag is to keep your raging hormones and undulating emotions to yourself, but keep the cat gifs and pictures of your fancy drinks coming. That definitely rules out paragraphs about how much you love your boyfriend. If you need to use social media to express your love, then I strongly recommend taking a step back and reevaluating that “love.” Pontifications about your feelings should be said as you look into the eyes of the person you love, not posted for your entire sorority, high school, weird classmates, and family to see and “like.”

For the love of dollar liquor night, do not post pictures of the two of you in bed. I feel like this should go without saying, but sadly, it keeps happening. Your poor followers don’t want to see your intimate moments, and you shouldn’t want your followers to see them, either. There’s no Insta filter that can make your sex hair, his bare chest, and tangled sheets look anything but distasteful.

Even if she’s your best friend, I can guarantee that no one wants to hear you talk about your significant other constantly. If you can’t go an entire conversation without bringing him up, then I suggest you get a hobby.

So there you go. With a little bit of common sense and a smidgeon of consideration for others, you can have a boyfriend and not make your friends and followers want to vomit. If you have a friend who regularly commits any of the annoying girlfriend sins, you can now passive-aggressively share this column somewhere you know she’ll see it. You’re welcome.

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