You might think this is fan mail. Honestly, you’d be justified in making that error. I watch your network a lot. Like, a lot. Most of my hungover weekend mornings are spent watching marathons of the Kardashians and trying to convince myself that I am a better person than Kylie Jenner. Your reruns of Sex and the City have entertained me many times while I’ve gotten ready for mid-morning classes. I’ve even dabbled in some of your offshoot original programming, like whatever the hell Total Divas is.
But I have to be honest with you: Award show season has been rough. I mean, not for the celebrities. I’m sure they’ve had an awesome time. They get to go to award shows where everybody talks about how great they are and then they get goodie bags full of, like, gold bars and puppies at fun after-parties stocked with champagne. I’m talking about your red carpet shows, E!. I’ve watched every single one of them so far, and I’m worried that I know just what to expect from your upcoming Oscars coverage.
First off, it’ll be long — two hours, maybe three. That’s a lot of time to fill with bullshitting and watching Ryan Seacrest’s eyes dart nervously back and forth as he hawks his men’s formalwear line “Ryan Seacrest Distinction” to me through the TV screen. Celebrities won’t even show up until at least a half-hour into the show, so for the first thirty minutes, I’ll be forced to hear Kelly Osbourne espouse the wonders of the “mani cam.”
Another ten or so minutes will pass while Giuliana Rancic or Maria Menounos fills us in on what she’s wearing despite the fact that nobody asked. Then, suddenly, Ryan will interrupt her to announce that he’s finally being joined by a celebrity! It’ll be so exciting — until the camera inevitably pans to him talking to some actor I’ve never heard of from a show I could have sworn was already canceled.
Where are all of the actual celebrities? Oh, that’s right, they won’t show up until the last half-hour of the show, and even then, some of them will be salty AF. Like, when I literally almost spit out my wine when Maria asked Jennifer Aniston to show off her “bling” in the mani cam at the SAG Awards and Jennifer point blank told her “no,” which was followed by a deafening four seconds of silence. And how I literally did cringe with secondhand embarrassment when Giuliana tried to force George and Amal Clooney to do a shot with her at the Golden Globes. I probably gave her more side eye than Amal, even.
So, now that I’m hip to your red carpet game plan, I’ve devised a little system to help make the Oscars red carpet show more productive and, let’s face it, more fun for your viewers.
Hour one: productivity. Since the first hour is filled with seat-filler celebs, it’s best not to waste any alcohol on them. Instead, use this time to get organized.
- Fold one piece of laundry every time Giuliana has to glance down at her prompter cards to remember who she’s talking to.
- Do one plank every time they cut to a C-list celeb in the “GlamCam 360” to kill time.
- Wipe down a surface every time they cut to a commercial after only being on-air for two minutes.
- Organize your planner every time they use a weird Photoshop generator to predict what a female celebrity “could be wearing tonight” as a stall tactic.
- Paint a nail every time Giuliana and Ryan say “This year’s ceremony is even more star-studded than last year’s!” (It is not, by the way.)
Hour two: fun! Now that the A-listers have begun to show up, this is when the booze starts flowing.
- Drink every time Reese Witherspoon is passive-aggressive with Giuliana. (This alone will get you very buzzed.)
- Do a shot every time a celeb deflects Ryan and Giuliana’s questions by saying, “uh, I don’t know,” or “what do you mean?”
- Pour a new drink every time a celebrity walks past an E! host and pretends to not hear the host calling his or her name.
- Take a swig every time a celebrity crashes another celeb’s interview and the two get so absorbed in talking to each other that they forget about Ryan and Giuliana altogether..
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