Unless you haven’t updated your planner for 2015, you’re aware that Valentine’s Day is this Saturday (also known as “the day of love,” “singles awareness day,” and, my personal favorite, “just another day on the calendar”). Valentine’s Day originally was a feast day for St. Valentine, a saint who died so long ago that no one has any records of his death or any details as to why he died, how he died, or even if he was actually a he. At its core, V-Day is truly a made up holiday, so why does everyone make a huge deal out of it?
I know what you’re thinking, but no, I’m not apathetic to the day because of my current relationship status (which is nonexistent). Even when I do have a boyfriend, I’m just like, “Eh, buy me chocolate and we can fuck later if we’re not too drunk, whatever.” I don’t even consider it a holiday; if I don’t have off from school or work, or if it’s not completely dedicated to drinking (St. Patty’s, Cinco de Mayo, Halloween, Flag Day, October 3) it’s not a real holiday. End of story.
Anyway, I know not everyone shares my indifferent opinion on this matter. Normally, I’d just say you’re wrong and move on with my life, but because you bitches have access to the internet and social media, I know you’re gonna shove so much V-Day related shit down everyone’s throat that I might get diabetes just by checking my Twitter feed.
In a relationship? Great, awesome, good for you. Chances are, your friends and followers are privy to the fact that you found someone who tolerates your shit for extended periods of time and lets you play hide the pickle every once in awhile. This doesn’t give you a pass or an excuse to post more than ONE post on a social media account for the day. I swear, the girlfriends of the world must have a conference in the beginning of February where they discuss at length how to maximize their potential annoying behavior on February 14. I heard they also have workshops for triple-texting and figuring out pass codes (teach me your ways), but I digress. Do you really need to post a Pic Stitch of your boyfriend and you on Instagram (And share it on Facebook and Twitter, of course!), a paragraph on Facebook about how much you loooooove your boyfriend, and twelve tweets with the hashtag #bestboyfriendever? No, no you don’t. Deep down, you know you’re being excessive, so listen to that small, almost silent voice saying, “Nooooo doooon’t dooo it! Dooooooon’t pooost thaaaat!” Literally no one, and I mean NO ONE, cares about any of that. Everyone has better shit to be paying attention to, like the fact that Cindy, the girl who told your entire seventh grade class that you got your period while getting a piggyback ride from your crush, gained, like, thirty pounds and has a one-way ticket to rock bottom. You know, the important stuff that social media is meant for.
A good rule of thumb to follow is for each year you’ve been dating or together, you may post one tweet, status, or photo, and after three years, one double-post somewhere. If you’ve been dating less than a year, chances are, people give zero fucks about your relationship because they don’t think it’s even going to last. So to all you little fucks who are going to write an essay about how your boyfriend of three months completely spoiled you for Valentines’s Day, save yourself the embarrassment down the line and just say no.
Oh, and if your boyfriend proposes to you on Valentine’s Day, break up with him immediately. If you say yes, please don’t procreate. We’re running out of natural resources, and I’d hate to see them wasted on your dumb peon asses.
Now, single people: Don’t think you’re getting off so easily. Yeah, I’m looking at you, Little Miss Boo Hoo, I’m Going To Die Alone Because I’m Single As A Twenty-Year-Old. You are just as bad — actually, no, I take that back. You are WORSE than couples on Valentine’s Day. Your multiple posts about how much you hate Valentine’s Day, how it should be called singles awareness day, or how you’re going to grow up to be a cat lady are entertaining to about .5 percent of the world population. As much as I don’t care about Ally and her boyfriend’s adorably disgusting date night, I can’t even muster the energy to start giving a fuck to even give a fuck about your singleness. We get it — you’re single on a day that is centered around being in a relationship. Do you make it known to the world that you’re not Jewish on Hanukkah?
“Another year, another missing menorah #gentileforlife #wheresthebacon”
I sincerely doubt it. So why do it on Valentine’s Day? All those “Happy Singles Awareness Day! #foreveralone” posts, besides causing me to roll my eyes so much they could stick in a semi-rolled position forever, make you look desperate and pathetic. You know who likes pathetic girls? Absolutely no one. Reusing a joke that has been used since Paleo diets were the only option for Homo sapiens doesn’t make you witty, funny, or cute. It makes you look sad and desperate, like a girl who posts a mirror selfie saying “Oh em gee, I’m so fat and ugly!” No, bitch, no you’re not. Go fish for compliments and pity likes somewhere that’s not on my newsfeed, thanks. If you’re going to make a self-deprecating joke on social media, please be funny. Please.
When all else fails, ask yourself this: “If I see this on my Timehop next year, will I cringe or laugh?” If there is any hesitation, just don’t post. Not only are you saving yourself from embarrassment, you’re saving the sanity of everyone else in the world. And for that, I thank you..