Look, I don’t like to talk politics regularly, because years of recruitment conversations taught me that avoiding controversy is almost always for the best. I also avoid politics, because I love America so much that I majored in it. I would never want to insult the greatest country on Earth. However, I can’t help but think of the parallels between sorority politics and Washington politics. Both involve backstabbing, the eternal quest for power, and extreme rivalries. The only difference is that sorority girls are able to put aside our differences for the greater good, which Congress seems to be struggling to do. If 200 sorority girls can agree for long enough to make decisions in a chapter meeting, Congress should be able to figure something out.
Look at it this way: Democrats and Republicans are basically rival houses, dueling until one of them comes out on top. It’s understandable, because no one wants to be second best, whether it’s bid day, or in life. There’s one major difference, though. At the end of the day, sorority girls unite with their rivals for a greater good: philanthropy. That’s what those dodo birds in Congress need to do. Instead of acting like drunk fraternity boys in a prank war, they should act like drunk sorority girls who go behind each other’s backs, but ultimately work together with fake smiles plastered on their faces. Doesn’t Congress understand the importance of faking it until you make it? They could use a sisterhood workshop or two hundred.
Sorority girls make serious decisions at chapter weekly. Do you know how hard it is to decide on a chapter dinner with the wide variety of dietary restrictions ladies have? Whether girls follow a vegetarian, gluten-free, or insane juice diet, we make it work, because we understand that sometimes you have to compromise. Sure, not everyone is completely happy, but it’s better than the alternative: shutting down our houses because some girls aren’t getting along.
Both Congress and chapter are catty. That’s a given whenever you get a whole crew of people together from different backgrounds. Not everyone is going to agree all the time. That would be boring, anyway. There’s backstabbing, and people are constantly making grabs for power that they may not or may not deserve. Usually they don’t, which means that everyone is constantly giving the President serious side-eyes at meetings, but they still listen to her and pretend to agree with what she says.
House Republicans and Senate Democrats have reached a standstill. I totally understand, as my sorority is often at odds with our (less hot) rivals, but our distrust and dislike of each other has never stopped us from pretending to get along during recruitment. If girls came through the house and all we could talk about was how much we despised other chapters, we’d look awful in the eyes of PNMs. That’s why we put on a brave face and give insulting compliments while we humble brag about our own houses. We know the best way to come out on top is by being stealth, not by being openly insane. After all, sorority girls know that the best way to get ahead in life is to hide our crazy, a lesson that would benefit all, especially those in D.C. that are caught up in their daily drama.
As Vice President of my sorority, I was in charge of counting the votes, which means I saw everything. I saw all the cattiness going down when people abstained based on personal issues. Sure, in a sorority those issues are usually about someone hooking up with someone’s ex, or one of the girls wanting the position in question, but I’m sure there’s tons of drama in Congress. You just know those politicians get crazy. In the end, everything we wanted passed, because it was a small group that disagreed, not the whole. A couple more sorority ladies in Congress would do this country some good. Once they allow us to read the news in the kitchen, we’ll have all the knowledge we need to stop a government shutdown once and for all. Plus, if that doesn’t work, we can always bake something delicious for the members of Congress, because everyone knows that in politics, whether Greek or American, bribery will get you everywhere.