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Holy Hangover

So you woke up this morning feeling below par. You consider laying off the wine, but it just doesn’t seem to be in the cards for this gal. The last shred of dignity you had was lost somewhere at any place that holds a liquor license, inside of a long-stem glass. So how do you survive such a hangover? Let’s run through this waste of day.

6:00am: Wake up and go home. Wherever you are will not be nearly as fun in two hours, and you may just have enough alcohol left over in that blood stream of yours to maintain a steady buzz on the strut back before the train hits.

6:25am: Arrive home. Do not shower. Drink two glasses of water and as many aspirin as you think you can stomach. Take off your bra (that shit hurts). Throw on a big T shirt, your favorite VS yoga pants, and get yourself into bed. Before falling asleep, delete all of your text messages. You’re only going to regret everything you said to everyone. Best to do this now before sober, curious you takes over.

10:00am: You’re now waking up feeling like Charlie Sheen is hosting a party in a typical Charlie Sheen fashion (see: strippers and blow), with an unfortunate infiltration of dub-step and guidos “beating the beat” inside your head. Close your curtains and grab an ice-pack. Now you probably need to up-chuck (aren’t you glad you’re home?). Get it over with. More water/aspirin. Motrin works if your head is “spinning.” Sleep for a few more hours.

1:00pm: Wake up for the third time today and your head is probably still the venue for the miserable aforementioned rager, but now your body has joined in on the party as well. Everything aches, even your teeth. Cold shower. Don’t blow dry your hair, it’s annoying and Lord knows you’re not going out tonight.

2:00pm: Grab a sweet spot on the couch and rent a few movies. Just steer clear of Old School and Animal House. They will probably send you back to the toilet. By now you can go ahead and call your partners in crime from the preceding evening, find out what you did, fell off of, and/or yelled at. At this point, you might (or might not) be able to ingest food. If you can eat…make it really unhealthy. Whatever you do, don’t drink soda; drink Powerade or Gatorade…or one of those other colorful recharging drinks. (The Gatorade commercials really should be drunk people chugging it mid-hangonver instead of Jordan sweating it out on the court.) I’d also suggest that you refrain from listening to Ke$ha, have a heating pad handy, and avoid any form of communication with your parents at all costs. They will probably, no they will definitely, make it worse.

Good luck.

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