Hilarious Summer Horoscopes For The Basic Sorority Girl


Thanks to Snapchat’s solstice sticker, it’s official. Summer is here. With it comes pool parties, flings, and a wide range of alcohol-induced activities. Thanks to Mars getting drunk with Saturn and trying make Jupiter totally jealous (or whatever) we can tell you exactly what you’ll be getting into, and who will be getting into you (for all the parents reading this, JK).

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

This summer Aries is either single, thinking about being single, or ignoring her boyfriend’s text so she can drink overpriced coffee margs with her friends. Sure that might sound self-centered, but you can’t argue it if it’s true. Whip out that GoPro and do a lot of spinning shots. Your summer is going to be filled with friends, cleverly captioned pictures, and a hipster end-of-summer video that will get you a shit ton of “OMG you’re soooo cool” comments. Cue: any song by “Fun.”

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

If Taurus isn’t busy traveling to annoyingly cool places or shopping in the chicest (her word, not mine) boutiques, you can find her playing hard-to-get with delicious men this summer. You want to hate her, but chances are those hot guys she’s flirting with have hot friends. Suck it up, hashtag #bestie on all of your pics together, and reap the benefits of having a Taurus as a friend. She can’t help that she’s so popular.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Gemini is the independent bitch of the group. She knows what’s cool, but she kind of DGAF. She’s most likely devoted her summer to something annoying like a juice cleanse, or reaching 2,000 followers on Instagram. Let her do her thing (while talking total shit abut her behind her back, because duh) and try to hide your envy when she comes back in the fall, skinny and with a ton of InstaFans.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

If Cancer doesn’t have a boyfriend yet this summer, chances are it’s going to be her main goal. Despite her assurances that she’s “just looking for fun,” you know that in a few months she’ll be planning a wedding hashtag using the last name of the guy she just started hooking up with. Try to act surprised when she comes to you in tears at the end of the summer because “he wasn’t who she thought he would be.” It’s fine, Cancer. You’re like, sooooo much better than him.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Literally all Leo wants this summer is to be loved by someone she has her eyes (read: genitals) set on, by random people on social media, or by herself. Chances are Leo will be spending all of her time putting together Pinterest-inspired outfits and posting obnoxious “self help” articles all over Facebook. You wish you could stay away from her, but she’s so nice you just have to deal with the fact that she wants your opinion on the “Why It’s Okay To Fall In Love With Yourself And Your Dog And Your Ex-Boyfriend Even Though You’re 20 And Don’t Pay Your Own Phone Bill” article. Again.

Virgo (August 23- September 22)

The combination of Virgo being a very “child-like” sign, and one of the most independent people ever will make it almost impossible to hang with her this summer. While she’s busy being a hipster and blowing bubbles (or other things), you’ll be wondering if she’s alive. Just because her sign’s a virgin, doesn’t mean that she is. Needless to say, she’ll have plenty of stories to tell you, when she actually answers your texts.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

If you haven’t planned multiple road trips, stay-cations, and friend events, are you even a Libra? Answer: No way in hell. Thanks to her dual desire of always wanting to be around people and wanting to seek adventure, she has the entire summer mapped out already. Sure, her specific planning and temper tantrums when things don’t go her way are cringeworthy, but think of all of the awesome things you’ll be able to post! Trust me, sticking with a Libra for the summer is totally worth the neediness when you break 300 likes.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Scorpio is not taking any shit this summer. Actually to be honest, Scorpio isn’t taking any shit, ever. Unless she’s dying to go somewhere or do something (or someone), there’s no fucking way she’ll be making an appearance this summer. So what’s she spending her free time doing? Obsessively stalking her ex who dumped her months ago and becoming a more terrifyingly badass person. Chances are she’ll have abs of steel, a few extra credits knocked off of her degree audit, and an ex who’s on the missing person’s list come fall. Just don’t question it. Seriously.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

This summer is nothing new. Sagittarius will be the life of the party. As always. When she isn’t telling jokes and starting drinking games, she’s sending you a random “wanna do something crazy” text before picking you up and driving seventeen hours across the country just because. A part of you wants to bash her via group text, and the other part of you wants to be her. Ignore your jealousy and call shotgun. If you can’t be a Sagittarius, at least be friends with one.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

What’s Capricorn doing this summer? Most likely helping starving people, young people, or sad-looking dogs. If she isn’t volunteering somewhere, she’s dedicated to “working on herself” and being the most annoying, nice person in the world. Try not to hate yourself when she posts a picture of the people she’s helping in some barren country while you help yourself to yet another vodka-cran and drunk text from your ex.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Be wary of an Aquarius on the loose this summer. Not only is she totally independent, gives absolutely zero fucks, and tends to do whatever she wants, she’s also clever and observant. She’ll most likely use her summer to get back at a guy who scorned her, become super hot to make his new girlfriend jealous, or just shoot bitch-faced looks at small children. Even though hanging out with her can be intimidating, you’ll never be bored thanks to her drama-filled life.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

If Pisces says that she isn’t sitting inside watching a horrible Netflix series and sobbing into her Trader Joe’s Cookie Butter, you know that she’s lying. Sure, she’ll post a few Instagram pics of her at the beach from 2012, but let’s be real, she’d rather spend her summer swimming in a sea of regret from her bed, than with the actual fishes. You want to hate on her, but honestly, you’re probably right there with her.

Cheers to sleeping late, drinking early, and never regretting all of the mistakes we’re making. Happy summer!

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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