Hilarious Fall Horoscopes For The Basic Sorority Girl


This morning, as I walked to my car, I noticed something. A nip in the air. As I glanced around I saw that the leaves on the trees were changing ever so slightly, and all of the basic bitches near me were slowly introducing our favorite cold weather items into their wardrobes. A crew neck here. Some riding boots there. As I sucked in a gasp, I tried to conceal my excitement.

Fall. is. freaking. here.

It’s here. It’s mid October. If you don’t have a Halloween costume by now, you can pretty much go die. JK. Sort of. Still, with Venus throwing on a scarf, and Saturn lacing up her combat boots, we’re all sitting here wondering what, le eff, is in store for us this season. With Fireball-spiked drinks and sexually charged hayrides, you know it’s going to be good. May the astrology gods be ever in your favor.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

This fall, Aries has plans. And by plans, I mean plots to either get a boyfriend, get a new boyfriend, or get noticed by an ex-boyfriend. When she’s not busy stalking exes on social media and passive-aggressively posting song lyrics to Twitter, she can be found posing in a pumpkin patch with her hot, replacement boyfriend. You want to hate on her, but you can’t because she plays the game too damn well.
Potential Halloween Costume: Anything couple related because by God, she will be in a relationship, if only in her dreams.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

While everyone else is going on casual dates to sip cider, Taurus is bringing it up a notch. Whether it’s planning a Halloween party for her friends, or a Thanksgiving meal for her even better friends, her goal is to make everyone love her more than they already do. If that’s possible. And if her boyfriend just so happens to get down on one knee at a traditional fall harvest festival, then whatever. Worst part is, you’ll totally throw her a double tap with everything she Instagrams because no matter what it is, it’s perfection, just like her. Ugh. Bitch.
Potential Halloween Costume: A sexy zombie complete with latex wounds? A Christmas tree with both working lights and a working train? Danny and Sandy from Grease because yes, her and her boyfriend look exactly like them? Any of these will do. And she’ll make any of them her bitch.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Gemini is once again content to be independent, and act like she isn’t spending every last cent at Starbs to pump PSL into her veins. Whether or not she actually is is a secret we’ll never know. She might seem like she doesn’t care about the pumpkin-flavored life that is fall, or that she doesn’t need to have the best Halloween costume, but just know, it’s a lie. Chances are she’ll show up to an event in something totally clever, unique, and infuriatingly original. If she shows up at all. She might be too busy doing other things. What (or who) are they? I can’t even begin to tell you.
Potential Halloween Costume: Something clever that literally none of us have thought of because yes, she’s the worst.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Give up on hanging out with Cancer this fall. Sure, you might bump into each other at a bonfire or social, but other than that she’ll be spending most of her free time with her boyfriend. Or her sort-of-boyfriend. Or the person that she pretends is her boyfriend when her mom asks. So if you’re thinking about texting her to hang, expect an “I’m busy” response, if you even get one. She’s too busy cuddling on a hayride, cozying up to someone in a haunted house, or sipping Fireball-cider and taking brisk, romantic walks. Just wait until the season passes, and try not to vom every time you see her fall-obsessed self post yet another scarfed selfie to Facebook.
Potential Halloween Costume: You don’t know because you blocked her social media for the season. If you had to guess? It’s magician and a rabbit. She’s the magician, he’s the rabbit. Obviously.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Ugh, Leo. She’s the girl trying to convince everyone to have a a sober sisterhood event or cuddle on the couch and talk about changing the world or some shit. Yes, she’s nice. And yes, she’s beautiful. And yes, she’s perfect. But if you give her enough time, she’ll boss you into attending her “Soup Kitchen Social” before you even realize that alcohol will not be served, and service hours will not be counted. Not only will you feel bad when you say you don’t care about helping others, but she’ll be totally be sweet about it, which is even worse.
Potential Halloween Costume: A Girl Scout. Because, duh.

Virgo (August 23- September 22)

Virgo in the fall is like Virgo in every other season. Independent, free, and does whatever the hell she wants with whoever the hell she wants. Chances are you’ll see her at an event here or there, but she’s never one to let seasons, or people, dictate what she does. Sure she’ll eat some pumpkin shit. And yes, she’ll dress up like a slutty whatever on Halloween just like you. But don’t be fooled. She’s working on a million of other things as well, so when the season passes, she’ll have a job and a fiancé, whereas you’ll have an extra 10 pounds and no boyfriend. Cool.
Potential Halloween Costume: “Netflix and Chill” because when she’s not being better than you at everything, that’s what she’s doing, with some guy totally out of your league.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

The first day of crisp air will send literally every Libra into a frenzy. Whether she’s planning a mountain trip to get drunk at a cabin, or a beach trip to escape the cold and get tan, she wants to do something. If she’s not running around town, getting essentials for her hiking backpack, she’s putting her life into co-hosting a party, finding the perfect costume, or meeting the perfect date. I don’t know what it is about the leaves changing that turn Libra into a monster but it sure is entertaining to watch.
Potential Halloween Costume: A cardboard frame with Instagram icons because getting likes on her fall pictures is all she really cares about right now. Or ever.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Scorpio in the fall might be the scariest Scorpio of them all. Like always, she’s not giving any fucks. Like at all. But considering how many basics are on the loose, she feels like she might lose her shit any day now. She’s either the girl refusing to dress up and drinking vodka instead of a pumpkin craft “brew,” or she totally gave in, and is making the season her bitch. Either way, watch out. If you tell her to put on some animal ears, or on the flip side, tone down her costume, chances are she’s going to kill you. Like literally kill you. With just her red contact-covered eyes. Let her do her thing, and be sure to compliment her on her choice of black lipstick. If anyone is in an actual coven, it’s Scorpio.
Potential Halloween Costume: The bitchiest witch of them all.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

I want to say Sagittarius is the most annoying during fall, but that’s not fair because she’s pretty much annoying every season. It’s not her fault, really. She can’t help that her costume will be the best, and she’ll look like a sexual goddess in it. Yes. She’ll get the guy. And yes, she’ll win the award for best dressed. Sure, she’ll be the one leading the way in the haunted house, and stepping up for a keg stand at the party. If you’re not her, your best bet is to be her sidekick for her group costume, and reap the benefits of her sloppy seconds. Trust me, it’s better than nothing.
Potential Halloween Costume: Whatever she is, she’s the Serena to your Blair. You hate her buuuuuut you’ll go along with anything she says.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Capricorn loves fall. She loves it because it’s the chance to help the elderly get a head start on Christmas shopping. The weather is perfect for walking shelter dogs and she still has a ton of #tbt pictures of her summer trip to some country with a name you can’t produce where she taught disease-riddled people how to read, or something. She might make an appearance at a party or two, but it’s only because her advisor told her to chill and have some fun. While you’re busy ruining your future this fall, she’ll be there to help you delete bad Facebook pictures and reorganize your life once the season passes. Ugh. Isn’t she the worst?
Potential Halloween Costume: Something handmade, organic, and totally vegan. Whatever that means.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

If one person is going to win at Halloween this year, it will most likely be Aquarius. No, she might not win the costume contest, or dominate the flip cup competition, but do you really think she cares about peasant things like that? She had a goal this Halloween, and she’s going to make it happen. Whether it’s being hotter than the girl she hates, getting the guy, or being the life of the party — she’s going to win. Don’t try to stop her, but hey, if you want a dramatic show, but sure to stick around to watch. Because Aquarius isn’t afraid to cause a scene to get what she wants. Bless her.
Potential Halloween Costume: Once she starts dancing on the table and making out with her ex, it won’t really matter what she’s dressed as.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

If there’s one girl who doesn’t reallyyyy care about fall, it’s Pisces. She’d rather be in front of a fire, or a TV screen, instead of wasting her time and money at a party filled with people she sort of hates. If you’re looking for a chill night, or a DD, she’s the one to call. She’s down to get some pumpkins, but don’t expect her to pose forever, or care that the lighting was off. You’ll see her at a party or two, but it’s only because she got dragged. Still she’ll have a good time and make some embarrassing mistakes, but the whole time she’s there she’ll be wishing she was cuing up Netflix and stalking her ex on Insta. But honestly, can you blame her?
Potential Halloween Costume: An old costume, some makeshift ears, or an oversized t-shirt to hide how much she wishes she wasn’t there.

So cheers to the most basic, comfortable, and above all, wonderful time of the year. Eat up, drink lots, and relish in the fact that we don’t have to wear bathing suits for a long, long time. Happy fall, witches!

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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