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Here’s Why You Need To Flash Your Tits

Here's Why You Need To Flash Your Tits

It has come to my attention that there is a major divide among sorority girls everywhere. We differ greatly with whether or not flashing our ta-tas in college is socially acceptable.

Sometimes, throughout your college career, you’ll find yourself in a setting where the music is bumping, your body is swaying, and a hot dude with a backwards Polo hat is trying to get you to slap the bag. All you want to do is let loose the pressures of having flawlessly curled hair, a 3.5 GPA, and managing to avoid standards hearings every weekend. You want to have fun, but feel like your so-called “classy” sorority expectations are holding you back from doing every drunken deed you’ve ever dreamt of. Understandable. You have a rep to uphold, right? Right.

For some, flashing your milk jugs might seem like the end of the world. But really, it’s just the end of the night. I understand that many people find it difficult to recover from public nudity displays, but the consequences of your actions really don’t last that long. There’s no reason to be embarrassed in front of people who won’t recognize you two days from now (unless your knockers are just that amazing). As for people who do matter, such as your stuck-up standards chairwoman, you’re only 5 days and 6 tequila shots away from somebody else becoming “Drunk Bitch of the Week.”

Most of us wear clothes that are too tiny on us and dance like skanks when we go out anyways. So why shouldn’t we spice up the game a little bit every now and then? I mean, there are hundreds of other 20-something-year-old attention whores doing the same thing every single weekend. It’s not a big deal. I think it’s weirder if chicks don’t flash their boobs at least once throughout their time in college. It doesn’t make you a slut. You won’t get HIV or knocked up. It’s totally harmless. The worst that can happen is a guy buys you a disgustingly cheap beer to thank you for making his day.

In addition, there’s nothing better for your self-esteem than having non-stop attention from everyone within a 10-foot radius, as well as having your real-life followers beam up at you with awe for the following days to come. First of all, everyone knows guys are visual creatures. If you don’t do something to make you stand out, they won’t see you. So if you’re sick and tired of reconstructing your face through contouring or slowly killing your hair follicles with various hot tools, lifting your shirt will get you even more attention than you could ask for much, much quicker. You won’t spend a buck on drinks, and boys will be racing to see who can talk to “The Fun Girl” first. As for your friends, well, there’s always going to be that one son-of-a-bitch in your group that disapproves of everything even somewhat exhilarating. But besides that jackass, everyone else is going to praise you for having the lady balls to show off your melons. Some of them will likely join in on the nude shenanigans.

So ladies, if you’re contemplating it, I say find a good bar with tons of men with fat wallets, or at least a beer pong table in a dirty fraternity house, and let those hooters loose. You know you want to.

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Kellie Stritz

Kellie, spelled with an "ie," practically resides at Starbucks even though they have yet to spell her name correctly. She's obsessed with the color pink, Elle Woods, and Bitmoji's. Her biggest accomplishment is breaking the record within her sorority for how many standards hearings she has had without getting kicked out. She spends her free time trying to stay tan (i.e. sunburnt) and stalking people on social media.

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