There are very few things I actually feel qualified to write about. Sex with a guy dressed as Abe Lincoln? Yeah, I get that. Being super awkward? That’s my thing. Loving a football team that forever lets you down? Call me the queen. But above all else, I can write about Taylor Swift. I’ve been with her since her “Tim McGraw” days. I never left her side, even in her worst, most “almost all my songs make me sound like a bitter cat lady” times. I’ve owned every album, downloaded the songs she never even put on albums (“Invisible” was basically my theme song in 2010), and I felt for her in all of her failed relationships. But recently I’ve noticed a trend, and now I have to say that I believe I’ve discovered the formula for finding Taylor’s perfect guy. Yeah, I’ll be waiting for my Nobel Peace Prize next year.
There’s an overarching theme in all of Taylor’s songs: green eyes. Simple, right? But it’s in the vast majority of her songs. In fact, it’s the only eye color she ever mentions. In “Sparks Fly,” he gets her with those green eyes. Cory’s eyes are like the jungle. Even in her most recent songs, it’s there. “Wonderland” has him flashing green eyes at her. Seriously, listen to her songs and count how many times green eyes show up. It’s actually kind of crazy. But then again, I think her “Blank Space” video showed us all that she might actually be kind of crazy, so I’m not surprised.
And yet, in spite of her obsession with green eyes, one can’t help but notice she’s only been with ONE green eyed guy. Taylor Lautner? Nope, brown eyes. Joe Jonas? Again, brown eyes. Jake Gyllenhaal was close with those icy blue eyes. Conor Kennedy was yet another brown eyed disappointment, and John Mayer, the inspiration behind so many songs, has hazel eyes that brought us some of our favorite hate songs. (Who doesn’t love “I Knew You Were Trouble”?)
But there was hope at one point: Harry Styles. The guy who all the tabloids think she’s not over. (I’m rooting for him in the long run, mostly because their babies would be beautiful.) However, because I’m in T.Swift’s corner on everything, I’ve done some research for her. So, Taylor, here’s a list of approved, green eyed celebrities.
Strangers are just friends waiting to happen… pic.twitter.com/SmzIyha6NR
— Casey Affleck (@CaseyAffleck) August 4, 2014
CHANNING. FREAKING. TATUM.
Although his wife might have something to say about it.
I’ve got a blank space where I’d love to write his name.
— Graham Phillips (@GrahamPhillips) August 30, 2014
Who didn’t fall in love with his green eyes in “John Tucker Must Die”?
I don’t care who you are–Jim is hot and Pam is super lucky.
— John Krasinski (@johnkrasinski) July 13, 2014
There you go, Taylor. You can send me an e-card expressing gratitude whenever you want. Preferably soon..