Columns

Having a Bitch. TSM.

We bitch and moan all the time because the boys we love are assholes. And for the most part, they are. But do we ever really have the right to utter the phrase “I don’t deserve this?” Alright, it’s true that for the guy you like you’re super sweet, and you bake him goodies, straighten up his bedroom, and give him the good morning blowie (without which he’s convinced you he’ll be unable to focus in class), but…when you really think about it, aren’t we kind of assholes too? Not necessarily to the guys we are hooking up with. But to the guy that some might say is in “the friend zone.” Let’s call him what he really is…your bitch.

You probably had your first bitch in high school. You were a cheerleader, and his name came right after yours alphabetically, so he sat behind you in math class every year. All you had to do was be friendly to him, pretend not to notice him checking out your rack when you yawned, and entertain him on AIM with the occasional “haha” followed by some shameless conversation about your favorite topic (yourself), and BOOM you never had to do your homework again. He would even text you by second period if he was absent that day to let you know that you’d need to find some other way to get your homework done, and he’d always explain how really really sorry he was for the inconvenience.

Since then, not much has changed. You know that every guy who has ever been your bitch is secretly (but not so secretly that it isn’t painfully obvious) in love with you, and would do just about anything to make you happy. You think this is adorable, because he’s so nerdy, and awkward, and doesn’t have a shot in hell with someone like you, but for some reason you keep talking to him. You immediately tell him about all the other boys in your life (just so he doesn’t get the wrong idea). You’re not heartless after all. The way you figure, after that it’s on him to stick around. You ask him for favors, like shoveling your car out of the snow, or carrying heavy things to your little’s room so you can decorate. If he stayed in to study for an exam, you know you can call him to take you home from wherever you blackout, because it’s raining and you live really really far (ten minutes) from the bar and there’s lots of creepers out. Some girls hook up with their bitch when the spell they’re having is well-past dry, and nearing absolute drought, and I hear they’re pretty generous in that department as well. You honestly may only minimally utilize your bitch, to like…tell you you’re pretty when the boy you’re pining over treats you like shit, or to bring lots of alcohol to your pregame, or to listen if you just want to talk about yourself and you sense your sisters are getting tired of your story. But, no matter the circumstance, using your good looks and charm to get your way is about as sratty as it gets. So…Having a bitch. TSM.

Email this to a friend

Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

90 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account

Show Comments

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TSM with you. Get

New Stories

Load More