Ladies, it’s official: Guys think sex is boring.
All the signs have pointed to it. First, men became obsessed with butt stuff. There was also that whole fifty shades of erotic Twilight thing that happened. Then sexy novels, Kegel balls, and blindfolds became acceptable birthday gifts. It’s been right in front of us, but I just didn’t want to believe it. All kinky things considered, push comes to thrust and we’re faced with the fact that our boyfriends, sort of boyfriends, and interested-at-2-a.m. guys are all starting to want more from us. Plain vanilla sex is no longer “in” and unfortunately, putting their penis inside of our bodies and then buying us Taco Bell just isn’t enough anymore.
(Moment of silence for the post-sex cheesy fiesta potatoes.)
So, what the actual fuck do we do about this? While I’m all for telling these guys to kindly take their right hand and have sex with that instead, I’m also selfish. Before writing off this whole kinky sex thing, I think we, as the vagina keepers, should take a second to figure out if we could get off on these new sex ways before we completely forget about them.
Sure, this seems super daunting. Another girl? In the bedroom? Naked? With, like, a body to compare yours to? Uh, no thanks. If you really think about it though, a threesome can be a damn good situation. You get to do half the work, get off in half the time, and end up looking like a complete sex goddess. He won’t ever dream of cheating on you, because you’re literally letting him have sex with another girl, and let’s be real, more tongues could never be a bad thing. Hell, if worse comes to worst and he doesn’t do well, just kick him out and have a girls’ night with the random you invited. It still counts, I asked.
Sadomasochism became all the rage when Fifty Shades came around and we were told that pain is, apparently, wildly sexy. Unfortunately, shots make me pass out, the idea of following someone’s every command sounds fucking horrible, and chains and whips in no way excite me. There are, however, a few redeeming qualities we can all appreciate when it comes to some light S&M. Handcuffs can be cool, and hey, there’s nothing quite like the classic hair pull every now and again. Or, if you want to turn the tables, you can tie a guy up and tell him exactly what to do, because that’s what this whole sex game is all about. My suggestion is to tell him to make you a sandwich and act interested when you bitch about your friends. Trust me, he’ll consider it sadistic.
Random, Spontaneous, “We Shouldn’t Be Doing This Here” Sex
Sure, sure, random sex can be risky, but that’s what makes it so thrilling. And hey, if you get caught, you have a really great story. Try getting it on in someplace out of the norm, like in a bathroom or your bitchy roommate’s bed. It will make you feel scandalous, and you don’t have to worry about cleaning your sheets later. Also, if you’re going to give me shit about “unsanitary” conditions, think about all the random “things” you’ve put in your mouth. And yes, I’m talking about penises. Believe me, most of those aren’t clean.
I wish I didn’t have to throw this one in here, but according to every single article on our gross counterpart’s website, it’s all the rage right now. While I’d love to tell them to go shove that whole idea up their own asses, some people actually seem to like it. Granted, those people are liars, but whatever. Sure, if you’d like to give it a try, go ahead. Make sure to limber up, lube up, and avoid eating for an entire week beforehand. If you’re cool with all of that, I’m sure he’ll love you forever, which is the exact amount of time it will take for your ass to stop hurting.
It’s not taboo, but it’s definitely something we need more of. Like, a lot more of. Guys are always asking to watch us go to town on ourselves, and all I have to say is yes. At the end of the day, no one knows what feels better than you — well, other than a mechanical toy, that is. Might as well get yourself off with an audience watching, and hey, maybe then he’ll be more likely to give you what we all really want: late night Taco Bell and affirmations that you’re really pretty..