I’ll never understand the expression “crazy cat lady.” Owning a cat is not crazy, it’s normal. You know what’s really crazy? Dating.
Until recently, I’d never considered myself a cat person. Through a series of unforeseen events, I’d accidentally managed to become a cat owner; crazy or otherwise. My cat-hater of a roommate couldn’t fathom why anyone would willingly associate with a creature whose affection you must continuously work to earn. I asked if she was referring to my darling fluff ball or to every male I’ve ever interacted with because if you break it down, guys are nothing more than giant pussies.
You must constantly work for their affection.
If you want unconditional love and affection, adopt a dog. If you live for a good challenge (or are a slight masochist) get a cat or date a guy. In either case, the more you pay attention to them, the more they’ll ignore you. The second you start to ignore them, they’ll come running. You’re guaranteed never to get what you want and stay confused 100% of the time.
When everything seems fine, they decide to fuck shit up.
One minute my cat will be asleep on the couch, and the next minute she’ll have ripped a hole in the blinds launching herself at the bird outside. The same goes for guys. One minute you’re planning your Pinterest wedding, and the next minute he’s serving you a restraining order. So unpredictable.
They’re both fairly stupid.
I wish I could say watching a cat chase a laser beam for hours was the most hilariously stupid thing I’ve seen, but then I’d be lying. I think it’s safe to say drunkenly racing mattresses down stairs or crushing beer cans on someone’s head tops chasing a laser beam.
Gift-giving is a constant struggle.
The whole gift-giving dilemma really confuses me. Girls are extremely easy to buy for. All we want is world peace, $50 eyeshadow and to be constantly reassured we’re the most beautiful creature to ever walk the earth. Yet somehow we always end up with slightly wilted flowers or a crummy teddy bear. Or in my cat’s case, hairballs in my shoe or the occasional dead mouse. But hey, it’s the thought that counts, right?
They’re still hungry after you feed them.
I have neither the time nor money to keep up with a guy’s stomach. At least cat food is cheaper.
Their definition of hygiene is questionable.
Guys already have the most minimalist morning routine due to their lack of makeup and long hair yet they still try to cut corners everywhere they can. Why shower when you can douse yourself in Axe? Why put on a clean shirt when this one was only worn twice this week? My cat licks her own asshole and she still might be cleaner than some of the guys I’ve met.
They make us laugh.
A guy with a sense of humor is a beautiful thing, but have you ever binge watched cat videos on the internet? The cat videos win every time.
We keep them around because they’re cute.
If cat ladies are crazy and dating is borderline insanity, why do we keep guys and cats around? It’s because despite everything, they’re both so stinkin’ cute. The only real advantage guys have over cats is the whole sex thing. Honestly, if it wasn’t for sex, I’d just adopt more cats..