Soon enough, The United States Olympic team will take to the communist streets to enlighten the world on our superiority. Our winter athletes will be doing so in American-made, Ralph Lauren garb.
The opening ceremonies are an important and essential part of the Games. Comparable to the first five seconds in a bar, it gives us a chance to say “we’re here, we’re wearing whatever the fuck we want, and we WILL be taking home gold”. Let’s have a look at the get-up itself.
The main focus is the cardigan. It features various American flags, stars, stripes, Olympic rings, and a slew of ‘Merica colors. It does have an ugly Christmas sweater feel, but I would day drink in it like I was competing for gold. Trying to cop one of these cardys for your upcoming mixer? It’ll cost you a mere $585. The pants are your standard, run of the mill white sweats with a big ole logo on them. The turtleneck underneath was definitely added for a nice Sunday School teacher feel…also probably to keep them warm.
On the other hand, Ralph Lauren made a point to say that this entire ensemble was created right here in the land of the free. The company was quoted saying “we want to continue to lead the way and find all kinds of vendors who can produce amazing products made in America.” I’m not sure if he was talking about the uniforms, or the fact that we continue to create winning athletes, produced right here in the US of A. Either way, we lead the way in both.
The athletes will also be sporting ski hats, sweaters, and a pea coat. They’re all very American, blah blah. Under Armour, Ralph Lauren, and North Face have come together to outfit our finest and the result is obnoxious and awesome. There are literally flags and the outline of the States on the ski uniforms. Talk about the rich kid on the playground, flaunting all his money and talent. That’s the kid we all want to be. In this case, that “we” is the rest of the world, and “the kid” is of course, America herself.
Whether you want to copy this uniform or trash talk it, it doesn’t matter. We will all inevitably feel terrible that these athletes are much younger, much more talented, and now, much better dressed than we are.