As we all know, there are many things boys tend to suck at. Dating, and anything dating related, is a perfect example. Another example would be, say, writing out any advice about anything ever. Like this anonymous guy I’ll refer to as “Asshole” did. Asshole is the fucking MAN, according to himself. Like dude is just swimming in puss. And, being the great guy that Asshole is, he has taken one for the team and spread his words of wisdom just like that girl spread her legs for him last night. Like it totally happened, you just don’t know her. She goes to a different school. In a different state.
Anyway, the only problem with this love guru’s dating advice is that literally every word of it is bullshit. Absolute trash, if you will. And, I definitely am one to judge, but I’m skeptical. Asshole submitted this
list of dating tips to COED.com, and they’ve got to be written as a joke. At least I hope.
1. Get to know her past.
Not her deep dark secrets just the simple things like what street she grew up on, the name of her first grade teacher, her pets name, and her mother’s maiden name. Trust me it’ll come in handy later on.
This guy isn’t fooling anybody. He’s not trying to date you, he’s trying to answer your security questions and hack your bank account. 10/10 shot he’s telling his bros the best way to casually ask for the last four digits of their “slam’s” social security.
2. Figure out her cycle.
Nothing is worse than having your girlfriend b*tch and moan at you for doing absolutely nothing wrong. When a girl starts her period the simplest things like you sneezing or watching a Snapchat out loud make her turn into an insane psycho b*tch. The easiest way to avoid this World War III is to find out which time of the month is hers and then simply AVOID HER FOR THOSE 7 DAYS.
Putting up with your hormonal girlfriend while her uterus is literally committing suicide is honestly way too much work. Instead of being an understanding human being capable of feeling empathy, literally just put up with her and her craziness. Wait, actually, just fucking abandon her. Because honestly, she should be the one getting you chocolate for all that you’re going through. When a girl is on her period and you sneeze, you get YELLED at. All that happens to a girl on her period when she sneezes is blood comes shooting out of her vagina.
3. Figure out what alcohol makes her cry vs which makes her naked.
Now I’m not really sure why, but each type of alcohol seems to have a different effect on women. Stereotypically vodka makes them blackout, whiskey makes them go crazy, and tequila makes their clothes fall off. Every girl is different though so it’s your job to figure out which drink has which effect on your girl.
Don’t worry, bro, I’ll do your job for you. It’s simple, really! Vodka has a 40% chance of making us cry, tequila has an 80% of getting us naked, and you being naked has a 100% of making us cry.
4. She can Venmo you after you take her to In-N-Out and it’s okay.
One of the most sexist things in today’s society is that the guy needs to pay for everything. Women constantly talk about how they want equal rights yet they cry whenever you don’t pay for them. 9 times out of 10 in any happy relationship there is an equal amount of spending. Just saying.
“Can you believe how fucking sexist these bitches are? It’s like, you give a girl a title and she expects you treat her like a human being that you care about. Feminism man.”
5. The cheapest dates are the best dates.
I mean is there really any point in spending $50+ on her? You’re still gonna get laid regardless so just take her to dinner at Chipotle or grab a coffee at Starbucks. She’ll still appreciate it and your wallet will still be full.
I have no issue with cheap dates, because even if it’s something small, someone going out of his way to make you feel special is an amazing feeling. At least it’s a hell of a lot better than the feeling I get when I throw my Venti Extra Hot No Foam Vanilla Latte (look! We can make jokes about sorority stereotypes too!) into your eyes. Have fun using that Chipotle bowl as a flesh light.
6. Statistics say that once you’re dating pulling out is way safer than wearing a condom.
I don’t really have anything to say about this one. Its simple, once you’re dating say goodbye to condoms and hello to unprotected fun. It’s science.
HOLD THE FUCK UP! Ok, I was wrong, this guy is a genus. Why use scientifically proven facts when you can just make up your own? Is your professor bugging you about using “credible sources”? Nah, fam. According to statistics….
7. It’s okay to pull out only 80% of the time.
If she’s on the pill this number drops to about 50%, but regardless there’s no need to pull out every time. That’s so much energy and in the amount of time that it’s taking you to pull out, you could easily get 3-4 more pumps in. I mean honestly what’s the worst case scenario?
First of all, your girl is happy to take three to four fewer of your little rabbit humps. Second of all, like duh, pregnancy. Pregnancy is the worst-case scenario. But let me guess, you plan on just ignoring her for nine months until she no longer a psycho due to those pesky hormones, right?
8. Wait until your senior year.
This one is pretty self explainable. Don’t get tied down too early. 18-21 are your golden years my friend. You should be sticking your steel rod into everything with a vagina and making baby yogurt with a different sorority girl every weekend. College only happens once.
Or in Asshole’s case, never. You really think this kid has seen a real life boob? Not a chance. But, just to make sure, I would like to speak on behalf of all girls when I say *swipes left.*.