Four Sisters Not to Befriend

“We’re all SO close,” “I’d do ANYTHING for these girls,” “I love EACH and EVERY one of my sisters”… these are the standard lies we tell to woo PNMs into our house during recruitment.The truth is, that sisterhood IS beautiful and amazing…except when it’s not. Ideally, yes, we should love (or at least like) each of our sisters, especially those in our pledge class, but there are definitely some that you should refrain from getting too close to. In this case it’s not in your best interest to trust them to return your favorite LBD, let alone trust them with your deepest, darkest secrets, the way you should with those share your letters.

Little Miss Bipolar

In each pledge class there’s a girl who is, for lack of a better term, wound too fucking tight. She’s constantly wearing bows to hold back perfect ringlets, studying without Adderall, bragging about her virginity, going to church, and judging everyone around her. She’s probably on E-board and her lectures and power trips are unrivaled. It seems like a no-brainer to stay as far away from this psycho as possible, until you cross paths at a mixer. She’s wasted, sweaty, and grinding on a really hot guy, which is an unsettling, but welcomed change. When you come within 10 feet of her she grabs you to give you a hug and ramble about how pretty you are and how much she loves you. Then she drags you to the bar to buy you a drink (or 5) because “you’re the prettiest girl in the older PC, and she REALLY looks up to you. SO MUCH.” It’s almost as if…she’s normal. Are you tempted in this moment (while the pregame shots of Burnett’s are breaking your walls down) to let her in to your elite circle of friends? Absolutely, but think twice. Come chapter tomorrow she’ll be back to her old ways, bashing you in front of everyone because you offered some constructive criticism on a t-shirt design…that she designed…hideously. A friendship with her is hurtful at worst and confusing at best. Exercise caution.

The Outsider

She’s either a legacy, a really important friend-of-a-friend, or she totally slipped through the cracks…but in any case, she just doesn’t quite fit in. You might be inclined to befriend her because there’s a part of you that’s weirdly charitable (not the part that volunteered to run the philanthropy car wash, you did that for attention). She’s someone that you could really bond with in private, but you’re kind of embarrassed to share letters with her in public. You actually really like this girl. Maybe you have something in common, like a secret Lord of the Rings obsession or the fact that you were both in your high school’s marching band. But the sad reality is, you turned out differently. And by that I mean, you, along with the rest of your sorority, are pretty, and she’s…well, someone hit her with the ugly stick…hard. You spend your time experimenting with different brands of curling irons, shopping for mixer outfits, painting five coolers (only to throw out the worst four), and paying people to follow your boyfriend to class to see if he talks to other girls. She’s more low-key and probably has a really tough major that keeps her from being too involved. No matter how well you get along individually, she’s just not into the lifestyle, and will soon disafilliate. You promise to keep in touch, but you won’t. Birds of a feather flock together…peacocks can’t be seen with pigeons and by senior year you’ll be doing that awkward look-down-and-pretend-to-be-texting-so-I-don’t-have-to-aknowledge-her thing. Sad, but absolutely true.

The Slut(s)

After over a year of dating, one guy admitted that he only pursued me at first because he assumed I was an easy lay. Despite my (totally rational) inclination to scream, break up with him, and schedule an emergency appointment with my therapist to analyze the feminine energy I was giving off, I decided to hear him out….and once he explained, I actually understood. When I first pledged, I spent all of my time with the few girls in my pledge class who had slept with every Tom, Dick, and Harry…and their bigs, littles, and best friends. Every night that we had a mixer or went out to the bars they’d go home with someone different and have plenty of scandalous anecdotes to keep us occupied while the mimosas flowed at brunch the next day. It literally only took one drink, one glance across the bar, or one “Cduome Ovejhr now” text and they would sleep with almost anybody. Were they hilarious and tons of fun to party with? Absolutely. But I never considered that their friendships weren’t doing my own reputations any favors. I’m a firm believer that every girl should do whatever when she wants, and if what she wants is lots of casual sex, then that’s great for her. I’m not necessarily saying that someone’s choice to, well, to be a slut should affect your decision to be her friend…just be aware that if all of your time is spent with girls like that, people might begin to question whether you’re part of an STD cult. If these girls aren’t significantly adding to your life, it might be time to start keeping your distance.

The Sneaky One

As they say in Mean Girls, this is girl world…and in girl world, all the fighting has to be sneaky. In every chapter there’s a girl who takes that to her own unnecessary level of awful. Who knows what kinds of issues made her this way. In my experience, it’s usually a combination of low self-esteem and secretly poor social skills. She’s nice enough most of the time to actually have friends, and you keep her around because she’s pretty and throws amazing pregames. But let your guard down for a second and she’ll take advantage of you. She has no qualms about hooking up with your ex and then parading him around in front of you at formal. She’ll “borrow” your absolute favorite, most expensive shit (and by “borrow” I mean “go into your room and take it without asking”) and “forget” to return it…even if you see her wearing YOUR freshwater pearls and silk gloves to the Kentucky Derby mixer. She’ll encourage you to run for VP-of-whatever, then sabotage your campaign and run against you, all with a smile on her face. She may seem like your typical backstabbing slut-faced ho-bag, but in reality, she is so much more than that.

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