Former Suite Life of Zach & Cody star, Dylan Sprouse, has officially owned up to two nude selfies that recently surfaced on Tumblr. When I say that he owned up to the photos, I mean that he didn’t blame them on the only other person in this world who shares his face. This wasn’t really an option, considering the fact that his twin and former co-star, Cole, has for some reason grown out his hair and taken to wearing various button-up vests, resembling one of America’s founding fathers more and more each day. What baffles me is that Dylan actually included his face in the photos. Dylan, you are a 21-year-old former Disney star. Have you even been watching our reaction to Miley’s development? How do you expect us not to jump at the idea of another ex-Disney star doing something even remotely provocative? The New York University student released a statement on hist Tumblr to address the situation:
First off, I will state that the reason I’m making light of the situation is because I don’t think what I did was wrong. To be blunt, I was proud of my progress in the gym, thought I looked hot, and wanted to share it. I’m of the mindset that whoever you are, if you are proud of your body and want to show it off, so be it! You do you. There is an odd taboo with the human form (especially in the USA) and I don’t particularly think its a good thing to teach people that you should “hide yourself” as something incredibly sacred. Blah blah blah, that’s a medieval notion.
I can attest to this statement. He definitely looks hot. Dylan is officially a better-looking and less tattooed Justin Bieber. While I wish he weren’t awkwardly cupping his junk in the photo (not because the pose is artless, but because I totally wanted to see more), he looks pretty damn good. It’s safe to say he’s lost his pre-pubescent gut. Dylan is handling the situation with a grace much like his golden locks: beautiful. He’s basically like, “Hey, shit happens, but at the end of the day I’m still hot and rich, so I really don’t give a fuck.” Props on his shout out to ‘Merica when mentioning that people should show off, if they are that confident in their bodies. Which he clearly is, and for good reason. Seriously, lookin’ good, bud. Lookin’ real good.
Secondly, the real problem here was not me sending my pictures to someone, but rather, sending them to the WRONG someone. The real travesty is a misplaced trust, and while I am certainly to blame for it, it is a shame that my private life was somehow forcibly dragged into the public’s perception of me. What is wrong is that, generally I try to stay cool and collected with my prose and a role model for kids (maybe not anymore shamefully) and this seemingly inconsequential act will likely affect the youth’s impression of me. Not only that, but I worry somewhat for my artistic integrity, and my academic integrity. Not exactly ideal, but I’m to blame and I’ll look this incident in the eye like a man. I did it, but I’d be damned if I didn’t own that shit like Beyonce would want me to.
I get where he’s coming from. It must suck to have an angry ex betray your trust and distribute naked pictures of you. While I want to be mad at the bitch responsible for the leak, I’m so very grateful to her for presenting every girl born between ’92 and ’95 with these risqué photos. I think it shows a lot of character that he mentions how he worries the photos will affect his artistic and academic integrity, as he is one of the few child stars who chose to move on to college rather than a life of recreational drug use and try-hard half naked performances. I may rag on Dylan and his brother Cole, who is beginning to look like a young Billy Ray Cyrus, but they definitely have their shit together. I should also point out that I actually fell in love with Dylan when he mentioned the queen, Beyonce.
Finally though, and I think that this is the most important part, because of this, I gained 200,000 followers on Twitter, 40,000 followers on Tumblr, and 20,000 followers on Instagram…. It seems to me that the majority of people are actually praising this act as some sort of device to receive fame (or infamy). Why? I have no clue, I don’t entirely condone it though. I’ll make it clear my intent was for this not to happen, and how it has affected me so positively is an enigma to me that rings true of the human condition. Maybe people just like to see others mess up? I’m German by blood, so I feel you on that.
How are we not supposed to follow him on Twitter now? He’s fucking hilarious. According to the actor’s Twitter profile, he is a “child actor who didn’t do meth,” an “amateur video game designer,” a “self proclaimed artist,” a “pokemon enslaver” and also recently, a “n00de pic dealer.” The star’s tweets on the situation are actually more entertaining than the photos themselves. When they first leaked, he tweeted, “THANKS OBAMA.” Soon after that he tweeted, “Whoops, guess I’m not 14 and fat anymore” to which his twin brother very publicly responded, “Cold in that bathroom, huh?”
Dylan also photo ‘shopped the picture onto a plain white tee shirt, claiming to “make the best of it through humor” which he really did when he tweeted, “At least you can’t see my third testicle.” The best part of his Tumblr statement was, by far, the fact that he ended the whole thing with, “P.S. please stop sending me nudes, you will not get any in return despite popular evidence.” I can only imagine the scores of young girls sending him utilizing Instagram’s new DM services to send him awkward naked pictures. I can confidently say that I would totally do that.
Sprouse is rapidly moving past the whole situation, equipped with a good sense of humor and a snarky sarcasm that inspires me to abandon my hopes of someday marrying either Franco brother and opt for the Disney star instead. I think Amanda Bynes and Miley Cyrus, though I thoroughly enjoy their crazy actions and schizophrenic tendencies, should take a lesson from Dylan. He went and grew up into a smokin’ hot piece of ass, encountering life’s curve balls without making a typical Hollywood spectacle of the whole thing. Keep doing you, Dylan. And next time, maybe consider gifting us with a fully visible frontal view.
Image via Associated Press