Foolproof Method To Finding A Husband On Campus

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Susan Patton, the Princeton Mom, is for sure crazy. But, maybe her idea about keeping an eye out for potential husbands while you’re in college is not totally nuts. After all, you already have so much in common with these guys: you’re both drunk! Here are some great ways you can meet dudes on campus before you turn into a tragic 25-year-old spinster draped in cats.

  1. Flirt with guys while you’re doing your laundry. That way, they know you’ll be a good wife one day. Bonus points if you wear something super sexy–like lingerie. If he asks you about it, just explain it was the only clean outfit you had left.
  2.  If you absolutely have to be in a dining hall, make sure you eat salad. Or, better yet, just sip a glass of ice water with lemon.
  3. Join a club that highlights the skills important to being a woman, like book club, cooking club, or silence club.
  4. Always be the girl who takes care of the drunkest girl in the group by holding her hair back or getting her a cab. Don’t do this because it’s a nice thing to do for a friend. Do it because guys will see you as a maternal figure and the potential mother of their children.
  5. Hang around the engineering school! You’ll be the only woman there since, you know, they’re studying numbers or something confusing like that.
  6. Find out if any guys on campus share the same last name as any buildings on campus. Sleep with all of them until you find one who is a trustee.
  7. Join the cheerleading squad! Guys like a girl who works out in a skirt. It’ll give you a reason to talk to the football players, too. If you’re on the top of the pyramid, it’s just more evidence that you’re the thinnest, and thus the most desirable.
  8. Start your own cookie baking and delivery service so guys on campus know you are sweet, and also know you will come when called.
  9. Take advantage of your professors’ office hours, but only if they’re hot and single. Or at least in unhappy marriages.
  10. Forget Zumba–head to the weight room at the gym and just ask one of the bros to spot you. Plenty of eye candy, plus you get to wear something tight!
  11. Get a job on campus. KIDDING! Women aren’t supposed to work. If you must do something, babysit.
  12. Approach your class president and ask if he wants a first lady, or even just a secretary.
  13. Plan a theme party and just have the theme be, “My Wedding To Tim Johnson From Sigma Pi.”
  14. Memorize a guy’s schedule, and then plan “chance” meetings so you can basically “Inception” him into being your boyfriend.

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Alyssa and Alison

Alyssa Wolff and Alison Leiby are stand-up comics and writers. Follow them at AlyssaWolff and AlisonLeiby.

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