As school starts, everyone comes back a little tanner, skinnier, and with a better wardrobe purchased with their summer job paychecks—convenient for recruitment and your fall term social calendar. After many beginning of the year festivities, your first date function will come, an ideal opportunity to fill your frat bingo card: blackout edition.
1. The set up
You’re desperate for a date, yet you don’t want to take one of your girlfriends…again. You ask your social chair or sisters whose dates have hot friends, but somehow end up with a sophomore pledge who’s your grand-cousin’s friend’s pledge son—whatever the fuck that means. He kinda has acne, but you’re also drunk, which means that you’ll either end up making out on party bus or worse, shacking until 2pm on a weekday.
2. The president/fratstar
This rowdy gentleman looks great for any occasion, whether he’s sporting a bro tank or a bow tie—either way, he’s wearing your favorite Sperrys and you know your date picture will get crazy Insta likes. However, there’s also a reason why he was elected to this noble position by his fellow brothers—he’s a blackout. Beware once you get to the venue, because you’ll lose this social butterfly in less time than it takes to shotgun a beer. He inevitably knows a large fraction of those in attendance, but the pledges of another frat? Apparently they worked at a golf course together last summer. You realize that you got him so drunk that he basically forgets who invited him in the first place, but it doesn’t matter. His presidential suite didn’t look that comfortable anyway, and God forbid you get a cold sore for your composite picture.
3. Freshman year: the pledge
You’re a frat rat in training. He’s simply a rat—what could go wrong? You meet him in the frat castle basement, he asks for your number, and later that week you naively ask him to be your date. He doesn’t show up to the pregame (which you pregamed to take the edge off) where you so graciously supplied flavored Burnett’s…because he slept through it. His excuse? Getting hazed all week. In a flurry of drunk texts, he finally arrives right before it’s time to get on the bus and….he’s sober.
Someone please paddle this bitch.
4. The girl
You don’t need a guy to make out with to have a good time! This will be your super cool blackout friend from out of town or, if she’s hot and fun enough, another sorority. You can silly or slutty dance together, stay posted by the food tables, hold some sister’s hair back in the bathroom, and take traumatizing pictures to put in 21er books. This is usually all fun and games until you turn around and see her sitting on your ex-slampiece-for-half-a-term’s lap. Bitch.
5. The GDI
He’s curious about how the other half lives, so you throw him a bone. Your ability to treat clear liquors like water intimidates him, and he doesn’t seem to understand why “GEED” is jeered at each person who refuses the beer bong, but hushes arise when it comes around to him. “What does that mean?” he wonders as he throws back a wine cooler/Smirnoff ice/Mike’s Hard.