For awhile, I really, really fucking hated Snapchat. I deleted it monthly, and redownloaded it for work, and then ended up deleting it again shortly thereafter. I began to realize, though, what I really hated, and it’s the awful Snapchat stories.
To me, Snapchat exists for two real reasons: the first and most prominent is to let the world know when you’re doing cool or funny shit. A day at the zoo? I want to see that. Packing for a trip at 3 in the morning, slap a time stamp on it and let me know. See a person walking down the street in a clown suit? Put them on fucking blast.
And the second, slightly more shameful reason is that you’re feeling your look. So you put a puppy filter or a flower crown on your face, snap a selfie, and then check your story until the boy you like has viewed it. This can be overdone, but it’s like 80% of what Snapchat is (and I am painfully guilty of it: vmruckh) so I can forgive it. What I can’t, for any reason, however, deal with are these fucking awful snaps in your stories.
5. Car Karaoke
This is the best of the worst, for one reason and one reason alone. Sometimes, people blast some fire jams, and I don’t totally hate some nostalgia blasted into the middle of the day. Howwwwwever. You are not a talented singer, and you’re not even doing anything interesting or funny. You’re just sitting in traffic and telling people about it. Pass.
4. Drunk Car Snaps
It’s the end of the night, and you’re in a car terrorizing your Uber driver. Everyone is talking over each other. The sound this makes is something of a caffeteria muffle, except with more “Ohhhh my Goooooddddds.” This isn’t funny, or cool, or entertaining to anyone. You just look like the shittier, louder version of how you looked when you left the house.
3. Dinner Snaps
You have taken the most boring part of your day and broadcasted it to the world. Unless you are eating a disgusting amount of food and making fun of yourself, or eating at a world-renowned five-star restaurant, no one cares about your meal. No one wants to see grilled chicken on their snap story. And no one really cares whether you went out to dinner or stayed in tonight. If something cool doesn’t happen, keep the food photos for Instagram (and even there, I’m not obsessed).
2. Bar Snaps
Oh my god, do you party soooooo hard? Do you go out and take shots of Fireball with your girlfriends? Do you just get sOoOoOo crazy? So does everyone else. I’ll admit, I’m guilty of these, and they are slightly forgivable because you’re too drunk to know better, but my God, they are boring to watch. Saturday morning is nothing but a bunch of loud, dark bars, and people screaming. I’m not into it.
1. Concert Snaps
The number one fucking worst snap to add to your story WITHOUT A DOUBT is concert snaps. I understand taking one or two photos — maybe a photo of the stage, and a selfie with the artist (way, way, way) behind you — or a photo in front of the arena as you’re walking in, but no one does that. They take shaky video after shaky video of iPhone quality visual and audio for every single fucking song. I have no interest in a tiny figure on a stage allegedly singing the songs I hear every single day muffled beneath you sing screaming over him or her. Can not tap through these fast enough.
I don’t expect people to actually stop these annoying habits, so literally, all of this shit will get you an unfollow on Snapchat from me. Pro-tip, open your settings so anyone can view you and anyone can snap you, and your annoying friends will never know they’ve been unfollowed. And so, your Snapchat world will be a better place..