There was a common theme throughout the season premiere of The Bachelor last night: sex. Nick had a one-night stand with one of the contestants (which she thinks he doesn’t remember, but he’s not THAT terrible of a person), a girl rode in on a camel and said “I hear you like a good hump,” and then came the “Fifty Shades Darker” extended trailer. If last night didn’t leave you horny, lonely, but glad you aren’t making an ass out of yourself on national television, you clearly aren’t as immersed in pop culture as the rest of us.
The first twenty seconds of the new trailer had me rolling my eyes. You mean to tell me that dime piece, sex addict Christian Grey misses seemingly average Anastasia Steele and wants her back? Right.
I had immediate flashbacks of how uncomfortable I felt watching the first movie in theaters with five of my sorority sisters. Yes it was hot. Yes we are all sexual beings. But like, I don’t watch porn with other people. It was an experience I don’t want to relive by any stretch of the imagination.
Just as I was about to change the channel, I saw a glimmer of hope that this movie might actually have some plot substance that can keep me on the edge of my seat. Substance besides Jamie Dornan’s abs and Dakota Johnson’s awkward moans and orgasm faces.
The major plot twist comes when we semi-meet one of Christian’s ex-lovers (probably not a plot twist, but I didn’t read the books because who reads when they make movies out of the books). Another seemingly average girl. What’s up with that, Mr. Grey? But not so seemingly average, homegirl has a gun, and she might shoot someone with it. The trailer ends with the ex-lover raising the gun at Anastasia, saying, “tell me what you have that I don’t.”
I couldn’t tell you the answer to that question because like I said, both seem average, but we can all relate to asking that question to one of our former fuckboys’ new girls. Let’s just hope you don’t take a weapon with you next time you drunkenly ask.
I wasn’t going to see the new Fifty Shades movie, but the extended trailer changed my mind. It just looks so… romantic..