F*ckboys And Frat Parties, Part I

Fuckboys and Frat Parties

As usual, Heather and her friends had timed their entrance to the party perfectly. It was around 11 pm. They weren’t among the first to arrive, nor did they show up too close to everyone’s peak drunk and walk through the door unnoticed. Arriving to a fraternity’s party at the perfect moment was an art form, and one that Heather had perfected long ago.

She brushed past the group of pledges on door duty and reached for the doorknob to the house. Preoccupied with pushing the mammoth wooden door open, she stepped inside the fraternity and almost didn’t realize that Chris was across the room, talking to another girl. As the scene registered in her mind, she had barely even shot her friends a sidelong panicked glance before Samantha commanded, “BATHROOM!” and their whole squad seamlessly shifted course.

Ashley, being Ashley, managed to snag two beers on the way to the ladies. She had been planning on double fisting to ensure that the strong buzz she had cultivated listening to Heather complain remained steady. Instead, one of her frosty beers was seized by Heather the moment that the bathroom door swung shut on the group.

“Omigod!” said Heather, a high level of stress evident in her voice, despite her semi-drunk state. “Who is that girl? Why is he talking to her! Do you think she’s the reason that he didn’t text me back on Tuesday? You guys, help me out here, I’m literally freaking the fuck out right now!” Heather’s words came out in a jumble, and she glanced wildly at the four girls who were looking back at her with various levels of concern.

“Well.” Madison started slowly. “I think that the girl is named Tracy. I forget what house she’s in, but I remember she dated my ex-boyfriend from freshman year’s roommate like, maybe second semester of sophomore year? I can’t remember.” As she finished her sentence, Madison exhaled, glad that her part in Heather’s drama was fulfilled. Megan was up to bat next.

“Babe, literally don’t even worry about it! I know we only saw her for like, point two seconds, but I swear I could see her tracks. So ratch. I’m sure that she’s just like, asking him where more alcohol is or something. No worries for sure!” Megan did her best to reassure Heather, and her bubbly and levelheaded outlook did the trick.

Heather appeared to calm down, even smiling when Samantha rushed to add that Heather and Chris were practically dating anyway. Crisis averted, Heather ushered the girls back to the party, as Ashley swallowed the rest of her beer and began singing along with the old Ludacris song that had just started thumping through the speakers.

Across the room, Porkers took a break from winking at the giggling freshmen girls passing by to shout “Oh, man! Yes! I love this song!” His words were lost on their intended audience, as Tracy was telling Chris a totally crazy story about her nannying gig the previous summer. Chris was managing to laugh at all the right times, despite having had more than a little to drink at the pre-game. And at the pre-pre-game, of course. He did have a reputation to uphold.

Tracy hadn’t decided exactly what to make of Chris, yet. He was in one of her classes this semester because they had the same major, but she kind of thought he seemed like a little bit of a douche. He had a great sense of humor, and she’d caught him talking to his mom on the phone the week before, yet she couldn’t shake the feeling that he was as shady as the tree-lined driveway of her parent’s house.

Their conversation was interrupted when Chris noticed Heather casually giving him a death glare from across the room. He knew that he had a little damage control to do, and he also knew that he wouldn’t want to have a conversation soberly. He said a polite goodbye to Tracy, before making his way over to Heather, whom he enveloped in an Old Spice-scented bear hug.

Heather smiled despite herself, as Ashley happily snapped candids of everyone around her, drunkenly managing to perfectly capture the happy couple. As Chris apologized to Heather, he saw Ashley stumble out of the corner of his eye.

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A native Seattleite and self-proclaimed Snapchat queen, she's been a coffee addict since she found out what a coffee bean was. Believer in and promoter of the #freeguac and #freegucci movements. She is obsessed with all things Harry Potter and has been known to stop people at parties to tell them how to remove the wine from their clothes. In her spare time, she enjoys baking, writing for TSM, and pretending like she has her act together. Hit her up @

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