Evolution of a Break-up: So, He Wants You Back

So we’ve all been here. Two months post break up and lover boy is calling in an attempt to get you back. He starts slowly but surely by calling only after his BAC has reached a level that makes him comfortable, and you uncomfortable. Amidst his drunken mumbling, all you are able to decipher is a few unpleasantries (thus reminding you why you left in the first place). Once boy toy sobers up and realizes his offenses, he’ll give you the follow-up phone call, and you’ll engage in a very coherent conversation. He will apologize for his outlandish behavior and will say some bullshit line like “I hope you’re doing okay.” You’ll hang up and think little of this mishap. A few days later, be prepared to get blindsided by the epiphany call. This one is best served sans alcohol. All of a sudden prince charming emerges from that cheating asshole. In this call you will hear things like “It was entirely my fault,” “I never knew how much I would miss you,” and of course “Please just give me one more chance.” Ladies, don’t be fooled. Let me tell you what is really going on here.

Your ex is experiencing flashbacks. He’s remembering how great of a cook you are, and he might even be thinking about how fantastic you looked when you first met him. This sudden onset of give-a-shit was probably triggered by jealousy. He probably saw you with a new fling, heard rumors about you moving on, or merely witnessed your ability to have a damn good time without him. Guys always want what they can’t have. He cheated on you because you became boring to him, and now he wants you again, because you’re back in the realm of the unattainable.

While sex with your ex may be a tempting endeavor, it’s just not worth it. Breakups and makeups are so common these days it makes me want to vom. If something didn’t turn out right the first time, then you should let it be. It’s not your responsibility to fix him or try to “change” him. If a guy is man enough, he will willingly evolve. Don’t feel too connected to any one guy. You’re young and it wasn’t a marriage. Drop that loser and keep moving.

Your ex-lover won’t be pleased with your rejection. Swish that taste of satisfaction around in your mouth a little while. This is the first time he realizes that you have the upper hand (although you knew you had it from day one).

The lowest of the low will now begin. Particularly douchey guys will say anything to hurt your feelings, or lower your self-esteem. It’s because man-child is just not handling this very well. Like I said before, this should serve as a reminder of why you shouldn’t want to be with him. Call me old-fashioned but I don’t see the attraction in a man raising his voice to me, or even swearing when mad. There is a fine line between a normal dispute and roid rage.

Hold your ground, and stick to your guns, you won’t regret it. But if for some reason, ditching this loser becomes difficult (I suppose we are, if only slightly, fallible), call your sisters. Lord knows they can probably jar your memory by reminding you of all the things he did to cause the breakup in the first place.

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