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Everyone Needs To Stop Using “LOL” Immediately

Screen Shot 2014-06-09 at 10.28.38 AM

Dear “LOL” Users,

What are you doing? Seriously? I don’t mean to target you, and I don’t want you to feel threatened. This is a safe place and no one is mad at you–but you need to fucking stop.

Stop it. Stop it right now. Did you know that every time you type “LOL,” you are allowing your chubby, acne-clad, low self-esteem, middle school self win? LOL was created as a shorthand back in the AIM day, when all we had at our disposal were very embarrassing screen names and typing “Code 9” when our parents came into the room so “DragonPussAYSlay3r16” knew to stop talking about how he was going to get to second base with us.

LOL (and every other similar acronym, such as LMAO, LMFAO, ROFL, and the devil itself, ROFL-copter) should have ended when we said goodbye to chokers, braces, and Abercrombie.

Unfortunately, some (most) of you assholes think it’s okay to bring this horrible, middle school slang into the educated world of boys, booze, and bars. It isn’t okay. It’s never okay. This isn’t middle school. That time is gone, it’s never coming back, and we should never EVER talk about it. Ever.

My biggest concern is that most of you aren’t even using it properly. This is a general sentence from you “LOL Cult Followers:”

“I don’t know LOL. I was going to see if he was home LOL, is that a good idea? LOL.”

Like, what? What part of that is funny? I obviously don’t get the joke or understand how funny you are because I am not “laughing out loud.” Now, instead, I’m spiraling down into a pit of “I’m not smart because I don’t get the joke–why does this asshole think she’s smarter than I am, and why is she SO damn conceited that she needs to laugh at EVERYTHING she says?”

The thing is, you might not even realize you’re doing it anymore. It could just be a bad habit for you now, like stalking your ex on Facebook or always taking that last shot and going home with the ab-tastic bartender. But seriously, get it together. You aren’t fooling me into thinking that you are funny. When you say LOL, I don’t LOL. Instead, I get a pissed off look on my face because I am left out of the joke.

So, my friends (who are now most likely my enemies) I have a challenge for you.

And no one can say no to a challenge.

Every time you type LOL, I want you to actually LOL. Like, I want you to use your vocal cords and emit a “ha ha ha” sound. That is my dream for the world, because one of three things will happen.

1. The world will seem like a lot happier of a place.
2. You’ll look like a psycho for laughing to yourself nonstop.
3. You’ll realize why you don’t have friends, and you will end up alone with cats.

Be better than LOL, guys. This is why we have Snapchat. This is why we have sexting and Instagram. Go back to taking Myspace pictures with a sideways peace sign while you’re at it. You might as well have your virginity back, too–and no one wants that back, LOL.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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