Every Sorority Needs A Gay Mascot

So How DO You Appropriately Turn a Guy Down?

I am a sorority’s gay mascot. In fact, I kind of consider myself an honorary member–I have the t-shirts to prove it. It’s been a dream come true. I’m always surrounded by these amazing women I call my sisters. (Back off bitch. I am a sister.) I also always get all the attention, because hello, everyone wants a gay bestie. Anyway, it’s come to my attention–and to my horror–that not every sorority has an honorary gay. I’m here to tell you to get it together, ladies. You need a little estrogen-drenched testosterone in your life. Why? Let me count the ways.

1. We are always there for you and your sisters.
Whether your sister is sad from a break up or because she drank too much, guess who is going to be the first one there to make sure everything is okay? If you guessed the “gay mascot,” you are correct. I can’t even count the times I have been there for a sister–I love being there for anything and everything. I make sure I’m there for her to have someone to talk to, there to hold her hair back, or just to set up a girls’ night after a breakup.

2. We never judge you.
We know all your dirty little secrets, but we never hold anything against you. We can be real with you, but we would never be rude or harsh. You don’t have to worry about anything you say to us–nothing will ever get out to people who aren’t supposed to know. We value your secrets, and hope you trust us enough to know that.

3. We are the best formal dates.
I have been to 47 formals in my four and a half years of college, and I have two more formals lined up on my Spring 2014 calendar. I am a seasoned veteran when it comes to formals. I’ve even gone to formals with girls from other schools. There is a reason gay guys get asked to formals constantly. Don’t know why? It is because we are harmless. You can still get all dolled up, we have a blast singing every pop song at the top of our lungs with you, and we obviously won’t try to sleep with you. Knowing that simple fact makes us the best dates ever.

4. Who else will watch your rush skit and give you an honest opinion?
I had the privilege of attending a rush practice for the sorority of which I am sweetheart, and let me just say that I have so much respect for the rush chair. Not just of my sorority–of every sorority. Those skits are intense, elaborate, and absolutely stunning. The amount of time and effort that goes into them is absolutely astounding. I watched this group of girls strut their stuff and they looked flawless. The highlight of my summer was being able to watch these ladies perform and me get to be their “PNM.” The sorority I watched ended up getting the biggest pledge class last fall, and I am sure some of it had to do with that mesmerizing skit they did.

5. We will actually tell you if you’re the most beautiful person in the room or if you need to step it up.
This kind of explains itself. We will tell you if you look the best in the room or if you need to dress it up more, but typically we know girls bring there A-game just to have boys drool at their beauty.

6. We will always support the sorority.
Every sorority is bound to have a less than stellar year. Gay mascots will not care and will still support you by going to everything we possibly can. We will still tell everyone you are the best and defend you to the grave if anyone ever says anything negative. I love unleashing sass on people if they ever say something distasteful. This doesn’t go for just my favorite sorority, but any sorority in general.

7. We will know if you’re dating a gay guy.
Yes. This is fact. We will know if your boyfriend is gay. Either someone has slept with him or someone we know has pictures of his Grindr profile. We will save you from heartbreak before it gets to that point. Of course, some girls are in denial about it. This is when the evidence against them being heterosexual will prove they are indeed heteroflexable.

8. We are protective over our territory.
We are careful of who our girls date or hang out with. We will protect the ladies we hold so dearly to our hearts if a random guy hits on a sister and she is not feeling it. We step up and be her “boyfriend,” maybe kiss her to make it even more believable to this dirtbag. We have a telepathic connection with our girls–we know when to step in and tell these guys to back the hell off.

9. We are genuinely over the top excited when it comes to being the sweetheart of a sorority.
Being a gay mascot basically makes you an honorary royal if you do it right. The closest thing to guys becoming a part of the chapter is by being sweetheart. I was a sweetheart this past year, and it was one of the best years of my life. I cried when I found out. I posted it to every social media profile I had. Everything about being a sweetheart is fantastic. I did have to give up my crown about two weeks ago, but like everything in life, all good things must come to an end. You realize it is not the end of the world–not to mention, I got my very own picture on the sorority’s composite.

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A super senior at the University of South Alabama who likes college so much he couldn't leave yet. Making A's is what he loves, but cheap vodka is just as important. He loves his fraternity more than anything but his favorite sorority is right behind his brothers. He knows every word to all Britney Spears, Lana Del Rey, and Miley Cyrus songs. On the weekends you can find him at his fraternity house drinking vodka with a splash of mixer or volunteering at the nearest Mexican restaurant drinking margaritas.

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