Dear Baby Sister,
I can’t believe your eighteenth birthday is finally here. Actually, I can’t believe you’re eighteen and I’m officially old and gross. Where did the time, and lack of cellulite, go? Anyway, being old and gross, I figured, what better way to welcome you to the adult world than to tell you how to kick its ass? That’s right. Your old sis is going to save you the trouble of learning some lessons the hard way. Trust me, I’ve done the dirty work. You’re welcome in advance.
Before I tell you how to live your life, I want you to know how much you have meant to me. I’m so lucky to have you as a sister. I don’t tell you this enough, but you amaze me each and every day. The fact that I get to watch over you is the greatest honor of my life, and nothing could ever take away the bond that we have. That being said, I hope someday I get to call you my sorority sister, as well. There’s something so beautiful about being sisters by birth and by choice. As the first piece of advice that I bestow from my high horse: Go through recruitment. Yeah, that sounds like an obvious (and biased) decision, but give it a chance and really try to enjoy it. If you choose to rush, just remember, keep your friends close and your rival sorority closer. If you pick a path that doesn’t include Greek letters, your group will be lucky to have you. No matter what, you’ll find your tribe and they will be exactly as weird as you are. College friends see you at your very best and at your absolute worst, and they will still love you anyway. That’s the beauty of these relationships. Cherish them. And while you’re busy finding your new group of friends, you might lose touch with old friends. They’re changing, but guess what? So are you. Your best friend freshman year might not be your best friend senior year. It’s okay, that’s how it’s supposed to be. The important ones will always be in your life and just a phone call away. So will I. Mom and Dad, however, will not. Do not call them after 2 a.m. no matter how much you “jussst want to tell them you loveeeee them.” Save those calls for me.
Now, welcome to the best part of college: drinking. First of all, don’t waste your time or money on a fake ID. If you’re even remotely pretty (which you are) you can basically hand bartenders a library card and still get served a shitty mixed drink. It’s all about having confidence, a pushup bra, and a low-cut shirt. Once you’re drunk, stay FAR away from any type of food that comes in a cart, truck, or rickety van. Unless it’s pizza — always say yes to pizza.
Unlike pizza, do not always say yes to boys. Luckily, when it comes to guys, you’re in good hands, because I have a lot of experience handling all different types of them. By “handle,” I mean psychologically trick them into liking or dating me. If I had to give you some kind of actual advice, it would be not to lose yourself or your values for a guy. It’s okay if you do, though. The best of us have. Just learn from it. It will be hard, but try not to forget your manners, morals, or your BMI. When a boy doesn’t text you back, think first and stalk later. As for the rest, I’m always here to help you overanalyze whether to send a “K” or an “Ok” text.
No matter how many times you insist that you’ll always go to class, you will skip sometimes. Whether it’s to sleep in, sleep next to last night’s mistake, or sleep off a hangover, that 9 a.m. course might not always be in your forecast. So, I’m going to be practical with my advice: Make friends with a girl who has a similar agenda and coordinate days to skip so that you always have notes. Worst case scenario? Pop an Addy and pull two all-nighters to study for the final. College isn’t that hard considering the fact that literally everything is on the internet. Class is boring, but that’s what social media and prescription medications are for.
Finally, I would feel like a failure if I didn’t add this stereotypical, vague piece of advice: Follow all of your dreams and ambitions, unless your dream is illegal — then suppress it, or at least cover your tracks. Whatever you do, don’t let career advisors, parents, bitter senior girls, or anyone else tell you that you can’t do something. In all seriousness, you can literally do anything. Remember when we cried watching The Pursuit of Happyness? Will Smith tells his little minion child to follow his dreams. Yeah, listen to that advice. I’ve included the clip, because it’s adorable, accurate, and looking at Will Smith never hurt anyone.
Lastly, stay away from Pinterest wedding boards after too many drinks. Stay away from drugs that did not come from someone in your lineage. And stay away from the gym in January and the dining hall in March. By the end of college, you’ll have more koozies, frat tanks, crafting supplies, and regrets than you could ever count. Don’t worry too much about what you’re doing while you’re doing it and just have fun. Once the “good old days” are over, you don’t really get them back, except when you live vicariously through your younger sister. So live. them. up.
Now, don’t make the same mistakes I made. Go make your own, and have one hell of a time making them. Welcome to adulthood, baby sis.
Your Proud Big Sister.