Don’t You Dare Have Sex With Your Ex


You know those totally cute videos your aunt or mom’s friend shares on Facebook, usually with some added inappropriate emoji usage? The ones where a snake and a hamster or a wolf and a sheep or some mismatched pair like that become actually super good friends? I used to think those videos were sooooo sweet. Love trumps Mother Nature! Let’s all get along! You can be friends with anyone if you try hard enough!

But the truth is, that deep-down instinct to fight and flee is much stronger than something that seems fun and innocent on the surface. And that is what having sex with your ex is like. Animal instinct and the natural order of things outweigh the promises we make to ourselves and to others.

I know, because I have been one of you. I spent last summer alternating between pretending my internship wasn’t a total joke to my parents and falling into bed with my ex-boyfriend. We had broken up because of distance when I went abroad, and now we were in the same place. At the time, it seemed like it would have been silly not to. We started fucking a week after I got home and didn’t stop until we headed back to school.

There are admittedly pros. Sex with someone who knows what you like can never ever be rejected lightly. I hooked up with one other guy that summer and I remember staring at my super-well hung and tasteful Christmas lights as he vigorously rubbed a spot about two inches from my clit. Also, platonically fucking someone you used to date can remind you what sucked about dating them in a helpful way. I didn’t have to pretend to care about his gym stories and I didn’t have to be the one to push him to study for summer classes. Fail your new bench PR, fail your classes, not my problem.

But the good doesn’t outweigh the bad. I may be hard on him, but I was still very much in love with him from the first fuck to the last. And every time I left his bedroom without the sweet words I was used to from him it hurt more and more. I had no expectation of exclusivity, but opening a drawer that had two condoms a few days earlier to find none today hurt more than I anticipated. Pretending I didn’t want more was harder with someone who knew me so well and when he left and I got emotional it got awkward very fast.

The moral of the story? I know that when school starts back up, seeing the “one that got away” on campus might make some lady-cavern stirrings start back up again. Shut that shit down ASAP. What’s the best possible outcome? You get back together? There was a reason you broke up in the first place. You have casual, satisfying sex and then happily and amicably go your separate ways to eventual new relationships? Sure. Because that happens so often.

Odds are someone is going to get hurt. And no matter how casual it might seem, it’s most likely only going to end with another prolonged breakup or some unreciprocated feelings developing.

Plus, it inhibits you going for someone new. I should have spent that summer getting laid more than a young European in a coming-of-age flick. Instead, I went for the easy out and ended up in the same bed night after night. You have to get some duds to get to some studs, and the next guy could make you wonder why you ever let your ex anywhere near your family jewels.

Bottom line — it’s not worth it. Be the bigger person and greet him with a friendly, fully clothed smile. You can remember the good without having to re-live it. There are bigger and better dicks, I mean fish, in the sea.

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