It’s here, right on schedule. Like clockwork (or calendar work or birth control work or whatever), your period has arrived. Yay! Good news? You’re not pregnant. Bad news? Literally everything else that comes along with it. The week you’re faced with the red sea is a week filled with gorging on chocolate and chips, calling in sick to work, avoiding the gym like it’s your job, and being a bitch in pretty much any and all social situations.
But one of the biggest things that happen (or doesn’t happen) during the red week is, of course, sex.
To have period sex, or not to have period sex? That is a question. It’s a debate as old as time, with two strongly opinionated sides. Three, if we’re being particular.
Team 1: JUST DO IT!
Team 2: Don’t fucking touch me.
Team 3: Blow jobs.
Now, tbh, team three doesn’t actually exist. Guys just pretend team three exists to try and get us, in our emotionally monstrous state, to go down on them. But the other two? They’re as prominent, and divided, as the political parties. Let’s journey into both sides, shall we?
Team “Don’t fucking touch me.”
Team “the thought of having sex right now makes me want to die” is a very common, very sad team. If you don’t like sex, you most likely fall into this category. A week of blood? Sounds like the perfect excuse to tell him “hands off” while catching up on your shows. If you’re part of this team you might also be self-conscious about your body/the placenta-like substance coming out of your body. You can’t imagine looking at your boyfriend during this time, let alone faking an orgasm with him.
Side note: all of the girls you hate are a part of this team. Just FYI.
Team JUST DO IT!
Team “have sex while you’re on your period” is a team filled with boss-ass bitches and sex goddesses. The girls on this team don’t let a silly little thing like blood loss stop them from getting theirs. They’re confident in their bodies and take what they want, when they want, no matter what stands in their way. The leaders in school, in the work force, and in the bedroom, these are the women you want to be.
Side note: all of the girls you envy are a part of this team. Just FYI.
So, okay. I’ll admit. It seems like I’m a little biased here. But it’s only because all of you out there who aren’t having sex on your periods are dumb. I’m not even sorry about it because you need to hear it: If you’re not having sex while you’re on your period, you’re dumb.
Period sex is all the rage. But why? Why are people pulling out their tampons just so they can put in a penis? Glad you asked.
•When you’re on your period, your hormones (estrogen and testosterone to be exact) start to rise, making your urge to get it on rise as well.
•Doctors say it’s totally fine.
•And it can actually make your cramps feel better.
•Two words: extra lube. Gross, but effective.
•No blow jobs.
But I’m not here to spout science at you. I’m here to tell you that you need to cut the shit and start banging while you’re bleeding. Because right now, you’re making us look bad. Either we blame our lack of sex on our periods, or we feel like we have to give blow jobs. I get it I get it. “I’m not in the mood” isn’t the easiest out — blaming your shedding uterus lining has a much better ring to it. I hear you. But do you know what’s an even easier out? Dumping that guy who doesn’t make you want to rip his clothes off. Or realizing that you can’t be honest with him and working on communication. Instead of embracing some of the best sex ever, you’re making guys think that our periods mean that they don’t have to get us off. But instead, they’ll just flap their dicks at us with that sad “it’s not going to suck itself” look. And I for one, am sick of it.
If you don’t want to fuck, don’t. Fuck it. You don’t have to. But don’t blame it on your period.
Because most guys don’t care about the old faithful blood geyser that’s coming out of your vagina. And the ones who do care are weenies and should be dumped anyway. Want to test your relationship? Of course you do. See what he does after you hook up and the whole area looks like an episode of Law and Order. If you can get off, laugh with, and bang a guy while you’re both covered in blood, then you know he’s a keeper (and would be down to commit murder with you if that should ever be a thing in your future. Talk about a ride or die). Besides, that’s what showers are for.
I know I just threw a lot at you. There was a lot of blood talk and a lot of bad talk. But I think some of you needed the tough love. So the next time your cramps make you want to die, don’t swat away your boyfriend’s advances. Put down a towel, get in doggy, and be prepared to let the miracle of pre-marital sin make you feel better than you ever thought possible. Your boyfriend, your sex life, and your love life will thank me — just maybe not your sheets..
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