Disturbing Plot Twist: We Don’t Have NEARLY As Much Sex As Our Parents Did

Hook up

Boys, I think I’m going to blame you for this one. You got lazy. You became spoiled. You gave up on being gentlemen. Back in the day (like the “before we were born” day), guys actually tried. They held doors open. They called. They gave girls flowers on the first date, and they didn’t expect to text a girl at 2 a.m. to get their dicks wet. It’s no wonder everyone used to have more sex.

You read that correctly. A new study has just revealed our worst nightmare. Our parents not only had sex, but they had sex more than we most likely ever will. Mashable recently posted the alarming news, and honestly, you might want to sit down for this one.

Millennials reported a mean average of about eight sexual partners, while Gen Xers, born between the mid-1960s and early 1980s, reported roughly 10, according to the Archives of Sexual Behavior study published Tuesday. Millennials even said they had fewer sexual partners than Baby Boomers, who reported almost 12.

The nausea should pass momentarily. What does this mean? This means that despite all of our Tindering, sexy Snapchats, and sexting, we’re still not as skilled as our parents. While it’s not all about the numbers when it comes to love, the numbers sort of speak for themselves. And what do they say? They say that you can never make eye contact with your parents ever again. Oh, and that millennials need to get their shit together.

The article goes on to say that the (embarrassing) decline in our numbers could be thanks to the spread of AIDS, the fact that we grew up with hovering parents, or because we’re not as old as our ‘rents. We still have a few years to mess around. Honestly though? I think those are all excuses.

The cold hard truth is that we’re less likely to sleep with you if you can’t even respond to a text message.

So, gents. If you want to get a lady to treat you right, start showing her the same respect. Take a lesson out of your dad’s book and become a class act. Maybe then you’ll start pulling more girls. And hey, if not, that’s okay. We’ll be fine. I mean, we’re not above leaving you in the dust for your more respectable fathers. You know what’s hotter than a self-entitled college guy sporting a dad bod? An actual dad sporting a giant salary and phenomenal game.

[via Mashable]

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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