Diets That Aren’t Diets But Need To Be Diets


Diets fucking suck. There’s no ancient Buddhist wisdom in that. But what’s worse than diets themselves are the so-called “fads” that litter the cover of the drugstore Cosmo magazine you just bought for $13.29. They usually feature some formally sad, depressed, and yes, overweight woman who miraculously found Jesus (read: Jesus = self-restraint) and cut, counted, and crave-killed her way into Regina George’s 1-3-5 club. Here are the diets that helped her get there:

Beyoncé Diet: You watch “Formation” for 24 hours straight without blinking.
Results: Confidence of a newly released prison inmate.
Potential Negative Side Effect: Punching your boyfriend and/or male-friend in the face at any given moment because you know you’re a goddess and he’ll still worship you anyway.

Kim Kardashian Diet: You film yourself having sex every day for 30 days.
Results: A newfound appreciation for nuns.
Potential Negative Side Effect: Broken vagina.

Adele Diet: You cry 24 hours a day for seven days while screaming the name of your ex in a public place.
Results: Lack of feelings/emotions towards love (aka what all the cool kids are doing).
Potential Negative Side Effect: Lockup in the psych ward in a straight jacket.

Taylor Swift: Write songs or haikus about your broken love life and/or life in general.
Results: You get a #squad.
Potential Negative Side Effect: That #squad only hangs out with you because they’re less popular than you are. And you’re still a cat lady.

Miley Cyrus: You smoke a kilo of weed a day.
Results: You get him to put a ring on it.
Potential Negative Side Effect: He took the ring away before, and there’s a 94.6% chance he’ll take it away again because of your newfound obsession with tongues.

Blac Chyna: You give 26 blow jobs a day to someone who’s wayyy less attractive than you are.
Results: You get knocked up by someone with a billion dollar inheritance.
Potential Negative Side Effect: You’re still Blac Chyna.

TSM: You eat super foods by day, drink vodka by night, and down triple-cheese quesadillas by late night.
Results: Who cares?
Potential Negative Side Effect: You’re still awesome and live the fucking life.

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Drunk but not in love

(@DrunkNOTinLove) is a die-hard Splenda addict who requires a constant supply of caffeine and male attention to make it through the day. After graduating with her degree in Economics, she now focuses her energy on adding a "Home" to her degree title by perfecting the "intelligent drunk," and conning a banker into marrying her one day. Originally from New England, she is a hardcore Boston sports fan, but only when boys are around. Almost all of her calories consumed Thursday - Saturday (and the occasional Tuesday) are from $7 bottles of Yellowtail Moscato, and in no way, shape, or form is she fazed by this. All forms of hate mail and date party inquiries can be sent to

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