Cue the Hallelujah Chorus from Handel’s Messiah, because this is truly good news. The best news you could hear, really. Diet Soda is not as bad for you as it was previously believed to be.
“Aspartame impairs cognitive function in adults and kids.” NOPE.
“Aspartame is not safe for pregnant woman.” BLASPHEMY.
“Aspartame causes cancer.” NOT EVEN CLOSE.
A recent report from the European Food Safety Authority has affirmed the safety of aspartame, the substitute sweetener that is a main ingredient of one member of the Holy Liquid Trinity, Diet Coke (the other two being wine and vodka). Basically, all the nay-sayers of aspartame spewing evil lies just got a nice, zero calorie, bubbly middle finger. Cram it up your cramholes, Diet Coke haters.
Sure, diet soda still won’t help you lose weight and it’s still not the healthiest option, but who cares. Nobody even likes water. And yes, aspartame is very dangerous in exceedingly high doses. However, a 150 lb woman could drink 20 12oz cans of diet soda without exceeding the safety threshold. So, you can basically drink a little under 2 gallons of diet soda and be completely fine. Which is good news for sorority girls ever, since we’re basically hooked up to Diet Coke IVs during recruitment. And finals. And when we’re hungover. And when we’re thirsty.
Is it appropriate to run out into the streets and celebrate? Fucking duh. I’d like to think this is how Mary felt when she was told that her
accident bun-in-the-oven would grow up to be the savior of humankind. If this doesn’t prove there’s a God, I don’t know what will. Drink up ladies, because a victory for Diet Coke is a victory for all of us. Cheers.
Image via Posh Fashion