Dance Floor Makeouts

I arrived at college without having ever reached second base with the one boy I had ever kissed or consuming any alcohol. I don’t think I brought my purity ring with me, but I know I still had it somewhere. Needless to say, watching my friends GOING UPSTAIRS at fraternity parties was horrifying to me, given that surely as soon as the door closed, there would be a penis coming out, something I had never encountered and certainly could not envision first happening when I was drunk and with a stranger. (Hah.) Obviously that story only ends one way for anyone involved with the Greek system at their school of choice.

Naturally, I was still going to end up drinking around a bunch of attractive young men, so something was going to go down. I did go my first year and a half of college remaining pure, besides the occasional make out with the aforementioned attractive men in a semi-public place and subsequently facebook/juicy campus stalk them. It took a while for me to get up the courage to accept that I might encounter a naked boy, but that I needed to quit being such a drunk mess in such a public fashion. Given that extraordinary length of time, I developed some solid perspective on the dance floor makeout, which I hope to share with the younger girls in hopes they can avoid some of the trauma that went along with my psychological journey from the basement to the stairs of the fratcastle.

First, let me get the gender specified firmly here. Absolutely do not make out with a girl in public. Been there, thank God at the time no one recognized me, have no idea what the hell I was thinking. Actually, I was operating on cheap beer and jungle juice and was not “thinking,” really. You’re welcome, attendees of a certain pirate party in 2008. You boys seemed to enjoy it. Thank you for being so blackout it hasn’t come up since. If you are genuinely curious, there’s nothing wrong with experimenting, but don’t do it in public. You’re putting a neon sign over your head that says “Slutty Attention Whore” and whether or not that’s your motivation, it’s going to be hard to live down to any witnesses.

Next, let’s get into picking a partner. And by that, I mean figuring which dude you’re going to dance with for more than a song and a half (because I don’t think at these kind of functions consenting to spend more than 5 minutes with a guy can be interpreted as a request for anything else) and it’s going to come up at that point. Avoid residents of the house, because they will obviously be the quickest to suggest you “go somewhere private,” since they have somewhere private readily available. Also don’t go for any really tall dudes. That causes even more of a scene, because there is nothing funnier than watching a 6’5” athlete make out with a 5’4” girl to Taylor Swift. Actually avoid noteworthy campus figures in general, and ESPECIALLY people you know. Unless you have actual morals instead of twisted ones and are, in fact, previously involved with the dude in question.

Timing here is crucial. Your BAC will dictate this, but sometimes football games and the like will make you think that because music is playing, it’s permissible for this to occur in the daylight. No. You will be photographed because some people will inexplicably be sober. It’s always that weirdo on the 4th floor who’s an architecture major or something. Screw him, his sobriety, and his enjoyment of ridiculing the people who are brownout drunk at 4 PM during football season. If you can get the timing right here, though, there will be a few other couples who are in the same mental place as you are, so you’ll only attract about 25% of the attention you would otherwise. I suggest between 1-3 AM, since by the end of a late night anyone without a flaming case of psycho girlfriend or oral herpes has been snatched up. Before then, you’re not pacing things correctly and he’s probably not as drunk as you are, which means he’s creepy. It’s science.

Finally, girls, there is going to come a time that it’s just not OK to make out with dudes and never go anywhere with them. Generally it’s the end of freshman year. At that point, you should be able to handle your liquor and know enough about how things work that you can be held accountable for your actions. Cut that crap out, it’s unbecoming. Should you have followed my advice, you will have done a minimum of damage to your reputation, and you can date and actually progress past first base with someone. Now go get it out of your system. You need your phase of rando makeouts as a bridge between your high school boyfriend and the mindfuck that will be your first audition to make an upperclass fraternity man’s starting lineup.

P.S. You’ll think that last guy is your boyfriend, but he won’t be.

Follow me on twitter: @Sratire

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