You’re at the bar and after far too many vodka drinks, you have to break the seal. You’ve put it off as long as possible, but as your kindergarten teacher would have said, it’s an emergency. You recruit your bestie to accompany you to the bathroom, which is generally its own type of war zone. Approximately 90% of your trip will be spent in line, 1% will be spent peeing, and the rest of the time will be spent in front of the mirror in an attempt to fix your hair and makeup, until you’re unceremoniously pushed out of the way by some other girl who needs to use the mirror. The process is terrible and it takes way too long, but it there is an unforeseen source of entertainment: drunk bitches are hilarious. There are a few typical conversations you’ll overhear in the bar bathroom.
The Impending Hook Up Conversation
This conversation is hilarious, and it’s usually the easiest one to break down. It generally goes one of three ways.
1) The friend is an enabler:
– “I don’t know. I think he’s hot, but is he cute? You know how there’s a difference? What should I do? Does he like me?”
– “Yes, he TOTALLY loves you. He’s so hot. You need to go for it. He’s been buying you drinks all night. The least you can do is go home with him.”
– “Are you sure? I mean, yeah, you’re probably right. Let’s see if we can get a few more rounds out of him first.”
2) The friend who disapproves:
– “NO. Jessica, do not even THINK about going home with him. He’s creepy.”
– “You’re just preventing me from having a good time! I can’t believe you pulled me off of him while we were making out. Why are you such a buzzkill?!”
– “BECAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING UNIBOMBER.”
3) The friend who speaks the truth
– “You’re such a fucking idiot. Stop texting him before I take your phone and delete his number from it.
– “Whatever, I have it memorized.”
– “You’re fucking hopeless. Have fun finding someone else to pick you up in the morning.”
The Crying Drunk Girl
There’s no denying how instrumental drunk crying can be for the soul, but if you’re not the one crying, it’s just funny.
– (*Sobbing*) “I can’t believe he’s not even talking to me.”
– “Oh, it’s fine! Don’t worry! You’re way too good for him! Let’s go and do some shots, you’ll forget all about him!”
Yes, because clearly what this bitch needs is more booze.
– “Ok” (*Looks at self in mirror*) “Oh my God, look at my makeup! No wonder he’s ignoring me! I’m hideous!”
– “It’s fine, it’s fine, here! I have bronzer!”
– “Take some lipgloss!”
– “I have mascara”
“I just don’t understand why my father has to travel on business all the time!” (*Retreats to corner to cry some more.*)
There it is.
The Drunk-Girls-Not-Having-A-Convo Convo
We all know it takes a special level of drunk before you’re not even having conversation anymore. You’re just yelling back and forth at each other about two completely unrelated topics. These conversations are pure gold.
– “I don’t know what we should do. Do you wanna stay here or go to another bar?”
– “I really like this dress. I’m glad I ended up buying it.”
– “I think it’s probably a good idea if we do like, three more shots, and then leave.”
– “I think I know one of the bartenders. He might be in my lecture.”
– “We should also probably after-party at the frat.”
– “I’m sleeping with my TA.”
– “I wonder if I should text my little and see what she’s doing.”
The Alcohol-Induced Love Fest
– “You’re my best friend!”
– “No! You’re my best friend!”
– “I can’t believe we’re sisters. I love you so much!”
– “I’m so fucking hammered.”
– “I had so much fun tonight, where should be go after this?”
– “HOLD MY FUCKING HAIR.”