You know that annoying little pill you
sometimes always forget to take every day? Or that patch, or that ring you shove up your vag, or that tiny little thing you had painfully inserted into your cervix? The thing with all the hormones that made you irritable and gain weight, but you continued taking because you’d rather be fat and miserable than have a child? Yeah, birth control really fucking sucks.
But it’s a necessity if you’re even considering being sexually active. It’s pretty unfair if you think about it. Guys don’t have to worry about things like that. They should because it would be their baby too, but everyone knows that’s not the case. The only form of birth control they have is a condom, and God knows sometimes they don’t even come prepared with that.
That’s all changing very, very soon. Vasalgel is a reversible birth control injection for men and a new study on the drug just revealed that the contraceptive device is basically perfect. The study went so well that Vasalgel is promised to be available to all men starting in just two short years, according to Elaine Lissner, executive director of the Parsemus Foundation, the organization that developed the contraceptive.
This male birth control is better than female birth control in pretty much every way, the first being that it’s hormone free. All those awful symptoms you complain about with birth control? Men who have the Vasalgel contraceptive would experience none of that. Lucky bastards.
It works like this. A gel is injected into the testes (I don’t want to hear any complaining from the boys, we’ve carried the team on our backs THIS WHOLE TIME) and karate chops any sperm trying to leave the vas deferens. It’s basically like a temporary vasectamoy.
The study tested the magical gel on 12 male rabbits and after a year, 11 of those rabbits were 100 percent free of sperm in their semen. None. Zilch. Nada. And when researchers flushed the gel from seven rabbits, “semen samples showed a rapid return of sperm flow.” No waiting time, no nothing. It’s a completely reversible vasectamoy.
The results from the rabbit study have made researchers optimistic about Vasalgel’s effectiveness in guys. They’re going to start trials on real dudes with real dicks later this year.
As far as how long the male birth control lasts, scientists are unsure, but they think it could definitely be longer than a year. “We expect [that time frame] to be similar in men, but that is just a minimum,” Lissner told Cosmopolitan.com. “It seems to be pretty durable; we expect it to last for years. We just don’t know how many yet.”
There is one small problem with this birth control: money. The developers are in the process of raising the funds needed to really test and perfect this magical male birth control, but Lissner is pretty confident that this won’t be a problem for long.
“There are so many men who want this so badly,” she said, “the support is going to be there.”
And women, notably me. I want this so badly. Point me to the male birth control kickstarter page and I will gladly donate to this incredibly life-changing cause.
Part of me is super excited about this and the other part of me is kind of pissed off. Women have been taking birth control that wrecks havoc on their bodies for years, and then the men finally join the party and their birth control is a thousand times better right off the bat? Life as a woman is unfair sometimes.
Whatever. Still so fucking excited for this perfect contraceptive, coming to a fuckboy near you in 2018. .