Sometimes friends just aren’t enough and I need to consult a professional on certain topics. Although my big is a professional on almost everything, sometimes a girl needs a little outside help. If I could redo my college days, I would have definitely been better off and less of a hot mess if I could call these numbers or use these apps.
So, you’ve fucked up all of your big-little crafts? Extensions would include pressing 1 for all things modge podge, 2 for help with Lilly prints, 3 for anxiety assistance when you inevitably run out of time.
This hotline would have an extremely long wait time during certain weekends of the year. Upon dialing, you’re instantly connected with a trained professional to help you sort out your mess of a cooler, how to NOT give it up during your date, and how to hide it all from standards.
Whenever you cannot possibly handle the stresses of everyday life, but you don’t want to bitch anymore to people you actually know. You can tell them whatever you want, and without judgment, they will tell you exactly what you want to hear. “Why thank you, kind Madame on the other line, my little is being a huge bitch this week!”
Had a rough night? Don’t want it to carry over into a rough morning? This number will send a non-judgmental taxi to pick you up and take you and your disheveled self home.
Need an actual academic advisor and not just some overpaid communications major to guide you to your future? These kind souls waiting on the other end will answer your questions, know what classes you need to take, and will remind you about upcoming deadlines BEFORE they happen.
Sometimes I need outfit approval and I want to fish for compliments. Send this hotline a selfie and they will respond with a rain shower of personalized compliments.
Need to instantly pretend you’re on the phone as you pass someone in the hallway? I would use this app constantly when my mom doesn’t answer because I’m immature and hate awkward encounters.
Order drunk food and it sends you a salad and an apology. I wouldn’t use it, but someone probably would. No regrets in the morning and no greasy, shame-stained leftover pizza boxes.
1. Bad Decision Reminder:
Every five minutes, I want a text reminding me that I need to shut it on down after sixteen shots. Every morning, I want a text that congratulates me on not making terrible decisions. These texts would totally be customizable to fit your particular drunk habits.
2. Social Media Filter:
If I am drinking or in any vulnerable mood, I want the following people removed from all of my social media timelines: ex’s, ex’s new girlfriends, ex’s family members, and anyone prettier/skinner/generally living a better life than me. Also, permantely remove anyone getting engaged or getting pregnant on purpose.
3. iphone House Arrest:
If I get within two hundred yards of an ex or someone that I’ll cause a scene in front of, I want my phone to catch on fire. Or at least an alarm/alert to go off in an obnoxious way, telling me to GTFO.
4. Drunk Hook Up Tracker:
If I get within two hundred yards of someone that I want to end my night with, I want my phone to explode with confetti and condoms. No, really, I want my phone to light up with rainbows and sparkles if I am within this person’s range so I can run to the bathroom and pull myself together.
5. Credit Card Restriction:
Just cut me off after 1:00 am, or after 12 alcohols. Whichever comes first. Seriously, béarnaise python that shit and cut me off.
6. Weather App I Would Use:
I don’t even know what half of the numbers on the standard iPhone weather app mean. All I want is to know how hot it is, the humidity, and if its going to rain. I also want to know if it’s jacket weather, flannel and vest weather, and if it’s a waste of time to straighten my hair.