When it comes to Instagram, there are three sets of people that I usually stalk. First and foremost, I stalk myself a good 2-7,483 times a day. Why? I don’t know. Maybe my followers will suddenly skyrocket and I’ll be this new form of Image via Instagram model where I’m not actually that hot but for some reason everyone loves me. Anyway, that’s the first group. Myself. The second group is reserved for people I hate. My boyfriend’s ex-girlfriends and sort-of-ex-girlfriends, frenemies, and people I’m generally jealous of. Then, finally, the best of all the groups, the celebrities I want to bone.
For me, this list includes mostly quirky guys who would be (and totally have been) the guy best friend in any romcom who get overlooked for someone hotter. My stalking list? John Mulaney, John Krasinski, and, of course, Christ Pratt. And while all of these guys have a lot going for them, recently Chris Pratt did something that makes him a top contender for being my future husband: He’s documenting his painful diet via Instagram, and it’s a gift from the gods.
It all started with the first post, where he casually alluded to the fact that he was getting hot again for “Jurassic World 2.” If you recall, our squishy, safe-looking Chris Pratt turned into a sculpted hunk of man meat to become a raptor trainer. Now, as they’re filming the sequel, he’s back to eating sad-looking meals just to fit the fantasies of every girlfriend who gets dragged to the new movie. Which is why he created the Instagram segment #WHATSMYSNACK and I gotta say, it’s pure gold.
Episode 1: The One Where Chris Learns To Read
The lighthearted first episode is basically him trying to pronounce, “Cacao baobab banana cha.” We don’t know what it is, but we do know we love watching him struggle.
Episode 2: The One Where Chris Eats Cannibal Fish Food
In the second episode, Chris eats a shitton of raw fish which looks, smells, and tastes like bait. The best part, however, is when he uses the phrase we’ve known since we were in ninth grade and decided we needed to be hot: “When you’re as hungry as I am, everything tastes good.” Preach.
Episode 3: The One Where Chris Battles The Cake
In this episode, Chris feels weak at 10:43 p.m. and considers breaking into his snack that’s reserved for tomorrow. Will he be strong and walk away, or will the siren call of late-night carbs be too strong for him to ignore?
Episode 4: The One Where Chris Gets Real About His Addiction To Snacks
In this eye-opening episode, Chris goes deep about his feelings on snacks and what it’s like in those times of weakness. We get an inside look at just how strong he really is, and at the end, I think we can all see a little bit of ourselves when he finally eats his apple.
Episode 5: The One Where Chris Has An Eggcellent Day
In this episode, Chris is back and better than ever! Despite his disgusting-looking cucumber wrapped egg snack, he insists that his life is wonderful. But after a slip of the tongue from him, and noticing the clear sadness behind his eyes, you can’t help but wonder: Has this diet defeated Chris Pratt?
Episode 6: The One Where Chris Tries Crack
In this hard-hitting version of Chris’s famous #WHATSMYSNACK segment, he channels his inner rapper and reveals the joy of eating a muffin. But if you listen closely, you might realize that just because he looks like he’s back on track, he’s still a bad boy on the inside.
Episode 7: The One Where Chris Cheats
In the final episode of the series (for now), Chris comes face-to-face with seven cranberry scones and does what anyone on a diet does best: cheats. Set to “Don’t let me down” by The Beatles, this award-deserving segment written, produced, executive produced, and associate produced by Chris Pratt and filmed my Anna Faris takes an emotional glance at what it’s like to lose your battle against snacks.
Anytime you want to start a “Sister Wives” situation, guys, LMK. Don’t worry, I’ll bring the snacks..
Image via Instagram