Chill Girls Really Have No Chill

Chill Girls Really Have No Chill

I am not a chill girl. And neither are you. Because this chill girl every guy is looking for doesn’t exist. You think you’re chill because you “can drink beer and wear UGGs”? My dad drinks beer and wears UGG slippers because they’re comfy AF. That proves nothing. I have no chill. But if you say you have chill, you especially have no chill.

1. All girls of the human variety are petty AF
I know, I know. I make money writing bitchy articles about psycho exes who get too attached and shit on relationships. That doesn’t make me heartless. I, like almost every girl, have a limit. For me, that limit gets crossed when it comes to my friends. While I don’t want to get into a relationship, if you’re dating my best friend and you mess with her, I hate you. Get ready for me to ruin your life in every passive aggressive way possible. And guys, don’t pretend this isn’t true for you either. I know for a god damn fact y’all are just as petty as we are. One of my best friend’s ex somehow made a fake news story looking all legit and shit at like saying my friend’s number was Kylie Jenner’s and was ready to release that shit. That is really doing the most. So no, I’m not a “chill” girl: I’m a bitch when it counts like every other girl. But none of you guys are off the hook either.

2. “Chill” girls at heart are just groupies
I said it. I hate to dis a female, but this isn’t a dis it’s just a fact. These females that frat stars like to describe as “one of the guys” are groupies. We can’t drink in our sorority house, so we go to your frat house. All you have is beer? That’s fine. Oh you have weed? That is even better than fine. They know what you guys deem as cool and will act just as cool for whichever gain they have which is most likely sex or general attention. But doesn’t “trying” cancel out the chill girl label? Mind-blowing. So the chill girl doesn’t really exist? Yeah, that’s whole god damn point.

3. “Chill” girls want the most attention
Groupies crave attention. That’s a fact. But in the case of a chill girl you decide to chat up who isn’t a regular and devout groupie, I can bet you a few things. I bet she’ll go on and on about how she HATES mixed drinks and loves beer. She’ll cuss and say “dude” so excessively that you don’t even realize it’s excessive because you’re only half listening. Basically, I can just bet that she’ll talk. A lot. About herself. Because she wants you to go “damn, what a chill girl” or shut her up with a free drink. Normal people don’t only talk about themselves and how they like beer and god damn chill they are, but don’t worry the chill girl will, so you can tell her how cool she is.

4. “Chill” girls are the neediest
“Chill is in the eye of the beholder.” I don’t care enough to find who said that original quote, but it’s true. The chill girls are the ones who go to late night afties then come to lunch the next day wondering why her guy “friend” hasn’t texted her back. They’re the ones freaking out about whether they’ll get invited to your date events or if you’ll go for the girl who’s hotter and less chill which would make you “shallow.” Trust me here guys, I have a little more insight on this than you, because I live with 40 girls. Chill girls care way more than you know.

Are there no chill girls? Well not in the platonic definition, no. The girls who fit that image are, for reasons above, fake as fuck. There’s girls who will drink beer and play video games, but they’re not the ones who will brag about it. There’s girls who will truly do no strings attached, but it’s normal to them. In fact my friends have a 70 person facebook group devoted to helping each other get laid, so it’s real. Point here is, if a girl is way too obviously chill, she has absolutely no chill and you should run far away.

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Surprisingly tmarcs to be a lawyer. She has a horrible Chicago-Italian mixed with Midwestern accent. Would never make it in a sorority in the South. From liability to risk manager. Tell her how to live a less fraternity, more sorority life at

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