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Characters From “Sex And The City” That Nobody Says They’re Like

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Since 1998, women all over the world have been uttering the same phrase: “I’m such a Carrie/Miranda/Charlotte/Samantha.” Fans of the show have spent years attempting to embody and imitate the four stars of the hit HBO series “Sex and the City,” which, for my money, was probably one of the greatest series of all time, despite the almost infuriating amount of puns from one Miss Carrie Bradshaw. Seriously, this is the network behind “The Sopranos,” “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” and “Game of Thrones”–we couldn’t get someone in there to punch up the dialogue?

But I guess we weren’t watching for the dialogue, what with all the sex scenes, bare butts, and Louboutins? Personally, I was watching for the fashion and Mr. Big. Drooool. Anyway, I digress.

But how come it’s just those four? Why not some of the other fantastic characters on the show? We can’t all be Samanthas and Carries because, well, we’re just not. Personally, I’m an “Anthony,” because I’m cute, I dress well, and I’m the sassiest bitch you know. And if anyone knows Mario Cantone, please give him my number. I’ve had a crush on him since I liked girls.

Here’s some of the other “SATC” characters who people should consider.

Mr. Big

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I don’t see why more people wouldn’t want to be Mr. Big. Sure, he’s an interminable douchebag when it comes to commitment, except in the second movie when he inexplicably turns into a homebody (we like to forget the sequel ever happened because, well, it’s dogshit). Let’s face it: he’s rich, powerful, confident, cocky, and so fucking good looking I can’t even. Women want him, men want to be him, some men want him, too–you know, the usual. You’ve got to want to be Big, even if you’re not a man. Cockiness, confidence, power, and sex appeal are universal.

Lexi Featherston

Girls, let’s be honest here. You might say you’re a Carrie, but some of you are probably a Lexi Featherston. You rage way too hard for your own good and never know when to stop. What was once fun, cute raging has gone a bit too far and has gone on for way too long. Maybe you’re a little past your prime to be passing out in your own puke? But again, honesty time, who among us HASN’T gotten so drunk that we could feasibly fall out a window? If you gotta go out, at least you went out fiercely.

The Fireman Samantha Bones In Season 3

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Okay, maybe this is just included so we can talk about how cute real life Ricky/Mr. July’s butt is, AKA real-life NYC Firefighter Michael Lombardi. COME ON. Pun ABSOLUTELY intended. What a man. Ugh. I’m drooling already. Some women spend their entire lives not having even one orgasm, but this guy was an orgasm machine. Guys SHOULD say they’re like the fireman, or, at least, aspire to be like the man. He was a bit of a dipshit, but who doesn’t want a cute, fun muscular orgasm machine of a man?

Magda

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Magda is one old-school Ukranian bitch and I LOVE her. You gotta love her attitude on baking, like when she bought Miranda a rolling pin. (“To bake pies. It’s good for a woman to make pies.”) However, I’m not so crazy on her sexual attitudes. I mean, replacing Miranda’s vibrator with a statue of the Virgin Mary is pretty rough. But she’s a great surrogate mother to Brady when Miranda’s bullshit gets in the way, and she’s a pretty sassy bitch with attitude. Maybe more “SATC” fans will read this and want to say, “I’m such a Magda.” But then again, I’d REALLY love some pie right about now. Ugh, I’m such a pig.

Stanford Blatch

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Oh, Stanford. Sweet, sweet Stanny. Always a bridesmaid, never the bride. Often forgotten and left out of things just because he’s not “one of the girls,” he’s considered to be the fifth lady of the “SATC” crew. He’s the lovable loser of the show, representing the point of view of a homosexual man who just doesn’t have “that gay look.” Stanford is also fierce and flawless, has an incredible sense of style, is lovable and kind, and has absolutely everything a girl could want in a best friend. I may be an Anthony, but ladies, I’ll be your Stanford BFF any day of the week.

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Stefon

New York's Hottest Club is wherever I am. Haters to the front, hunky Sailors to the back. Bow down betches. Follow this bitch on Twitter @StefonTSM StefonTSM@iCloud.com

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