Is your number one concern with your gentleman caller that he doesn’t text you enough? Guys need to realize that the easiest way to a girl’s heart is with an outpouring of constant attention and affection. If we aren’t constantly inundated with texts in a timely manner, we simply assume that you died, mid-penetration, while cheating on us with a member of a rival sorority, because what are the other options? Then, we call the cops, because someone needs to investigate your murder and we’re too delicate.
Luckily, now you and your boyfriend (or not-boyfriend) have one less thing to worry about. With the invention of an app that sends supposedly romantic texts to the user’s girlfriend, he can spend more time with his “bros.” BroApp launched Sunday, and it lets men “outsource their relationships.” Oh, outsourcing, don’t you know that everything’s better in America, including “u up” texts?
When a guy downloads the app, it allows him to select his girlfriend. I can’t help but think this app would make more sense if a guy could select multiple girlfriends. After all, the kind of suitor who can’t be bothered to text because he’s too busy bro-ing out certainly has more than one lady in his rolodex. After he chooses his girlfriend, he writes a variety of texts and then schedules them. It’s basically like being a professional social media manager, only in your personal life. So this could be a real game changer for a bro’s resume.
This app has the potential for disaster in 100 different ways. Imagine you just had a monumental fight, or even a break-up, and suddenly you get a “love you so much, babe” text. Alternately, imagine you’re in bed, mid-bone, and your phone starts buzzing out of control while his phone nowhere in sight. Could be kind of concerning.
The makers say, “BroApp leverages advanced algorithims to intelligently determine the best time to send a text message to your girlfriend.” It cancels texts if the couple in question recently talked in real time. It even comes with a safety lock. If you’re creeping, it opens a list of gifts said dude is pretending to want to buy for you. Maybe this app is how bros know the exact moment we’re ready to move on. It’s not that they’re psychic–they’re just psychos. It’s that they programmed a text weeks in advance, and it only gets to you in time for your first post-breakup shack.
While this app combines two of my favorite things (Internet stalking and romance), I don’t necessarily think that dating an iPhone is the most romantic choice. It’s basically “Her” without Siri, or Joaquin Phoenix. Until BroApp develops an app for not-boyfriends and booty calls, it’s truly failing the bros of America. There’s an app for everything now, but there’s still no replacing a good, old fashioned “what’s up?” text.