If you’re anything like me, you’re probably tired of hearing about weddings. After all, aren’t we far too young for this mumbo jumbo? It seems like everytime I log onto Facebook another obese band geek from high school is sporting some Cracker Jack ring, expecting me to show my support via push of the like button. I’ll pass. While I’m not looking for a bling ring anytime soon, I hear it’s a major part of adulthood, and I hate to think I’m not as pretty and popular as said band geeks. However, I hear wedded bliss means you start popping out nuggets left and right, and I don’t think I’m anywhere near ready to stop drinking for nine months. It’s like a trip to rehab that ends with a screaming bald baby. Anyway, I already have my sorority family to care for, and that’s certainly enough responsibility for the time being. Plus, I can drink with those biddies, and I hear it’s frowned upon to put whiskey on your baby’s gums.
So, as you can see, I’m completely over anything and everything wedding related. However, this wedding story that started out the worst took a turn for the best, and has restored my faith in humanity and the world as we know it, which is pretty difficult because my cynicism level is out of control.
When bride-to-be Amanda’s wedding dress was stolen on her wedding day, she immediately called 911 to report the theft of her $6,000 dream gown. Honestly, what kind of douchenozzle steals a wedding gown? They should know clothes consign for way less, so it’s not even a smart steal. I know burglars aren’t known for their kindness, but couldn’t this guy have burgled someone else? After watching one too many romantic comedies, I think a girl’s biggest fear would be her groom going rogue Hangover style. Now we have to worry about our dream dress being stolen right out from under us, too? After a few too many Say Yes To The Dress marathons, you probably already have your dream dress in mind. Imagine your hours of Pinterest planning during class being ultimately worthless when some douchecanoe takes your dress home for some weird, erotic, cross-dressing, masturbatory pleasure. No lady would marry such a rude thief., I hope.
When Amanda, 23, called 911 in a state of panic, the operator was able to help. She had recently gotten married, and fate would have it that she and Amanda were the exact same size. This was literally fate. How else would Amanda have replaced her gown? Wedding dresses come in extremely weird sizes, and you have to get them tailored months in advance, which is rather unfortunate if you’re trying on strangely sized bridal gowns for your shotgun wedding (or so I hear).
When the responding police officer arrived on the scene, the 911 operator, Candice, had already texted him a picture of her gown to show to Amanda. Luckily, it was actually really beautiful, i.e. not a mermaid gown. Amanda rocked the perfect something borrowed, and Candice is sure to have good karma for the rest of eternity. This story’s proof that while douchebags are aplenty, good people are readily available, too. So put your cynicism aside for a second while you appreciate this wedding disaster that ended in wedded bliss.
Image via ABC