Welcome back to Ask Hot Piece. Real advice from a neutral party about boys, besties, blackouts, and everything in between. E-mail me any time (firstname.lastname@example.org) and the columns will come out weekly.
Okay, so I still hookup with this guy from last year and we are besties! We were friends before and we talk about other guys and girls in our lives all the time. He never gets jealous or pissy. I love him to death, but I’m bored. Last weekend he called and I was with a guy who I want to turn into my new hookup buddy. He acted like he was okay that I was busy so I was okay. However, yesterday I was with weekend guy and I told him I was busy and he became short with me. I want to cut him off as a hookup buddy but I want us to be friends. I feel like he has become attached and I can’t have that. What if I find a boyfriend?!? Sorry but I don’t think my new bf would be happy I had a guy on the side! Btw, I was with someone earlier this year and we stopped while that was happening. He seemed fine with it then but after he’s just been off. Please help me; how do I kick him out of bed and still be friends with him?
Normally I am a big proponent of just talk it out and tell him exactly what’s on your mind, but I don’t think that’s the best option here. You can’t tell him you’re bored and you think he’s getting clingy, even if that is the truth. I think you should just put emphasis on Weekend Guy a little bit. Exaggerate that situation to him. “I think I really like him, I’m hoping things get a little more serious with him, it might be best if you and I don’t hook up for a little, I don’t want him to know we ever did and get weird about it” blah blah blah. Just literally blame it on this other guy and make it like it has nothing to do with him. If you two are “just friends”, even if he doesn’t really think so, he’ll at least pretend to be cool with it until he is. If he starts getting weird after that, I’d kind of play the victim. Like “why are you upset? Did I do something wrong?” Which will force him to get his shit together and stop being a crybaby over his not-girlfriend becoming his ex-not-girlfriend.
So I met this kid after my freshman year of college in the beginning of the summer. We are totally different, I’m in a sorority and I party and he is in a hardcore band and doesn’t drink/smoke, he’s 21 and I’m 19. Also, he’s only had sex with one girl and kissed like four, anyways. However, we hit it off right away. We talked for two weeks before he took me on our first date and it went amazing. After that, we were starting to get a little more serious, he took me out a lot and we saw each other a couple times a week, but things were still moving at a steady pace. We both liked each other a lot and weren’t hooking up with anyone else. Towards the end of the summer, he texted me in the middle of the night out of no where, ending it with me saying that there was no connection. It made no sense to me because his friends would friend me on facebook and follow me on instagram and stuff like that so it was apparent he was talking about me and he would tell my friends how much he liked me. We talked a week before we went to school and things were fine and he ended up telling me the real reason he ended things was because our school’s are two hours away. But now, since we both been at school we’ve talked almost everyday and he wants me to come see him this weekend, what is he thinking? HELP!
He’s not thinking. He tried to handle a situation based on logic, but is letting his emotions get the better of him and going back on his decision. Logically, long-distance is a terrible idea. It’s hard, and you’re sad a lot, and you don’t get to see each other nearly as much as you’d like to. However, relationships aren’t based on logic, they’re based on emotions, and his are telling him that he still wants to be with you. I think you should go see him this weekend, see how things go, and over the weekend, together, make a mature decision about what you want to do. Two hours really isn’t that far. I did a four hour relaysh and we still saw each other a lot, and I know people who have been far enough that you have to take a plane. The two of you just need to decide if it’s worth it to you to put in that kind of effort.
So, I know everyone has a messed up family, but my dad, clinically, has some kind of personality disorder though he’s never hung around in therapy to have one specified, but it basically means that he can’t respond to other people or understand human emotion. Being married to him, my mother turned to pills and booze, and now has Korsikoff’s syndrome which is basically booze related early onset dimentia/brain damage. This means I have a lot of responsibility with my youngest sister who is in middle school. 99% of the time I have learned to have a stable and healthy life through tons of therapy, but sometimes something comes up and I just get really upset like right now, that my dog is dying. Naturally, I have a hard time dating and knowing when it’s appropriate to start letting a guy know piece by piece about my life. I’m not expecting him to know it all at once, or even in the first few months, but last night I had to cancel on this guy because I was a wreck and didn’t want him to feel burdened with my violent mood swings. He told me that he wanted to know what was going on and that he wanted to be there for me.
I just don’t think he knows what that entails. What do you think the timeline is for letting out the kind of dark parts of yourself? My standard “crazy mom” (as in, in and out of rehab crazy and deemed unfit to parent by the court) and “daddy issues” (violent, emotionally abusive, completely unable to change his behavior because he can’t understand human emotion) aren’t going to cut it for too much longer, particularly when this guy who I have been casually dating 6 weeks and more seriously for two weeks, seems to actually care for me. I think he does deserve to know some background, but I don’t want to scare him off. I want to keep my personal relationships positive and not driven by my past, but it’s not fair to him to not know this big part of my past. I just don’t know when that should be.
Ok, so you’re clearly battling some pretty big demons here, and I think it is definitely a tricky situation. It’s mature of you to understand that in the beginning of a relationship, people do want to be let in and learn about a person, but at the same time, I think you are right. I don’t mean to offend but you are kind of coming with a lot of “baggage” and I think unloading it all at this time would definitely be too much for someone you’re only still getting to know. I think you can give him a little more if you’d like while still being vague. Something like, “my parents aren’t really a great support system, as they’ve got a lot of their own issues, and I’m just dealing with a lot right now, what with my dog dying, and I don’t really know where to turn.” You can focus on the smaller issues right now and turn to him for those. As far as a timeline goes to let it all out there, I’d honestly say to just trust your instincts. Yes, he wants to know, and maybe you feel unfair not disclosing this information yet at this time, but you have to realize, it’s your information to share, and he’s not entitled to it just because he’s in your life. When you are ready and your relationship develops you will know it’s appropriate to tell him things. Don’t let him in as a favor to him. Once you think he’s earned it, AND once you feel like he is a person you’d like to lean on for support, then that’s when you can let him in. It will progress gradually, just like your relationship will. Feel better.
Any advice for sophomores trying to compete with freshmen for guys?! I didn’t gain the freshman 15…I just look a older, not like significantly fatter. I want to get this one guy back who I was hooking up with first semester last year, but I’m not so sure I can…help? I’m friends with most of his fraternity and they’re all nice to me. I can tell that they think I’m attractive but nobody makes a move…annoying. I kinda have a good girl rep in that house, and I need to break it! But how??
Woo. Ok. First of all, you are not going to compete with freshmen girls for guys. You are a sophomore so this is your first encounter with the younger girls being around. You’re used to being the center of attention. But honestly, the guys who are going after dumb freshmen girls are not the kinds of guys you want to be chasing after anyway. You seem to be under the impression that after freshmen year, life is over and boys will never be interested in your tired old self. Not true. You will continue to meet new boys every single semester of college. With that said…you will continue to meet new boys every single semester of college. Once a summer has come and gone, and you didn’t have contact with a boy for that time, it’s pretty standard procedure that that situation is a done deal, and now you’ll find someone new. Don’t chase after the old guy. If he was interested in renewing your contract, he’d be doing so. If you’re secretly, weirdly, and hopelessly in love…fear not. You WILL probably drunkenly make out with him some time again in your college career. It just won’t ever be a thing. It’s not meant to be. As for nobody making a move in that fraternity, it probably has something to do with that other guy. And the good girl rep? Maybe. But honestly, that’s really not a bad rep too have. I used to think being the wild, fun, party girl was ideal…but eventually you realize it just makes you wild and fun to party with. Guys won’t take you seriously. I KNOW that sounds mothery, but it’s really true. Wild party girl in moderation.
My best friends of my Pledge Class are almost always talked about as being the hottest from my year, and I feel like the ugly friend sometimes. Guys are always interested in them but not me, what do I do?
Alright, you have to realize that you all got into the same sorority, so you’re all arouunndd the same level of attractiveness, give or take. There are ALWAYS going to be girls who are prettier than you are, which is something that took me a really long time to accept, and maybe I still haven’t. Like you know there are people who are smarter and it doesn’t bother you, but like for some reason prettier just stings. It’s the first thing people know about you and it seems way more important. However, guys are attracted to confidence a lot more than you think. If you’re rolling with the hottest girls in your PC, you have to feel like you are also one of the hottest girls in your PC. Who knows? Maybe that’s what they say about you too. Don’t be afraid to like dress super hot when you go out at night. If you’re really feeling unconfident, make sure you do your hair and makeup and dress cute for class too. Fake it until you feel it. Confidence is the only thing a guy can make out when he’s belligerently drunk anyway.