“Girls just don’t want a nice guy” the nerdy neckbeard said, implying that he’s only nice when pussy is involved. “Girls only date jerks” he reiterated, taking another swig of Mountain Dew and putting down his Cheeto stained Xbox controller.
We’ve all heard the self-proclaimed “nice guys” vent about the friend zone like it’s a death camp they’re trapped in. It’s a hilariously flawed concept when you look at it for more than a half a nanosecond. The concept of the friend zone is based on the idea that if a guy shows a basic level of human decency towards a woman, he’s automatically entitled to some kind of vaginal reward.
That’s why I hate the phrase “nice guys finish last.” It has a taste of butthurt bitterness to it. Nice guys finish first when they’re ACTUALLY nice. But any guy who complains about how he can’t get his 4-inch meat torpedo into a girl’s pink tunnel is a massive douchebiscuit with no respect for women. They’re just as sexist as the douchey dudebros they claim to be the antithesis of, just without the social skills or ab muscles.
The “friend zone” is the epitome of this. The logical conclusion for arrogant male entitlement. In my opinion, there’s nothing wrong a platonic male-female friendship. Guys and girls can be close friends and stay that way. When Harry Met Sally can suck my dick (still a dope movie though). So imagine being friends with a guy, opening up to him and emotionally connecting with him, only to have him vilify you for never sliding your hand down his pants. You think he’s sweet and trustworthy, but behind closed doors he’s seething with rage that you won’t drunkenly let him see your beaver dam.
That’s betrayal. That’s not friendship, that’s waiting in line to get in a girl’s bed and racking up enough “nice guy” points to make sure you have a chance. If you’re in “the friend zone,” you’re a victim of your delusional philosophies.
So I propose a plan. If you have any male “friends” that complain about the friend zone, you need to friend zone the shit out of them.
Make it the worst friend zone of all time. A hellish prison of sexual frustration, the Guantanamo Bay of “just friends.”
Take him shopping with you at Victoria’s Secret to pick out some lingerie your boyfriend would like. Talk about your sex life to him with the most uncomfortably graphic details. Bring him on dates with your boyfriend and let him be the awkward 3rd wheel, make out with your boyfriend right in front of him. Get drunk and have an Ancient Greek-style orgy in front of him where he’s not allowed to participate. Make him drive you to the airport. (That’s not sexual, its just really convenient to know you have someone to drive you to the airport.)
Any guy who complains about the friendzone should be put in the friend zone. Let’s make the friend zone as crowded and overpopulated as possible..