Ladies, the time has come. You can finally glue a face to the ends of your vibrators, because E.L. James, the woman who single-handedly (or for the lazier women among us, triple A-battery-ly) made chic lit happen tweeted that Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele have finally been cast in the movie that will flop in the box office, then be purchased by every single woman in the world when it comes out on DVD.
I’m just going to break it to you gently: it’s not Alexis Bledel. Granted, I’m not a diehard 50 shades fan, as I had to stop reading when Anastasia had like twelve orgasms the first time she had sex — I mean, I’m willing to suspend my disbelief, but I thought that meant ignoring the fact that she wasn’t crying when he inserted his giant member into her virgin v-hole, not pretending that losing your virginity is a pleasant experience during which you’ll have even one orgasm — but I had my heart set on Bledel, nonetheless.
Our leading lady is Dakota Johnson. Yes, the other Dakota, the one no one’s ever heard of. She doesn’t have quite an innocent enough look for the part in my opinion, but honestly, she’s not the person we really care about, here.
Who is Christian Grey?
None other than Charlie Hunnam, of Sons of Anarchy — the show about motorcycles. Kill me. I can’t even really feel attracted to this guy at all. Maybe it’s because he looks like a dirtbag in the majority of his pictures, maybe it’s because I don’t know who he is, or maybe it’s because I think it’s weird for guys to have blonde hair, but I just don’t see it. I pictured Christian Grey as a handsome man, not a “hot” one, with dark, pointed features…you know, like a witch or something sexy like that.
Either way, now we have faces to put to the characters who made talking with women you’ve just met about masturbating okay.
To add to your disappointment, this is what the trailer should have looked like.
Happy buzzing, girls.
Image via Associated Press