An Open Letter to Taylor Swift

Hey T-Swift. Or something. Is that what you call yourself? I don’t care.


I just would like to start by saying I’m jealous that you’ve seen Taylor Lautner naked, and I’m also super jealous you were able to date John Mayer. I don’t approve of him as a human being, necessarily, but it seems to me that sleeping with him is some sort of Hollywood rite of passage. Congrats on landing both of them with your rat face. You’re an inspiration to funny-looking faces everywhere.

Moving on.

I’m seriously considering suing you for using my original ideas in your latest song “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.” Don’t try to act all naive and innocent. We all know you stole those lyrics directly from my AIM profile when I was in 6th grade. What am I getting at here? I think you need some new song material, seeing as how you’ve written about the same concept 30 times. We get it, Taylor, you don’t know how to keep a boyfriend. But seriously, you need to figure out a way to keep your career afloat without making yourself seem more pathetic than you already are. Seriously, you sound desperate and pathetic. You’re flaunting how many people have broken up with you. Do you know what that makes you? Undesirable. I know you think it’s a great way of getting revenge by writing songs about your exes, but honestly, I think they get a little annoyed and then get over it. You instead should try to focus on being a girl people want to date. You seem to be a little needy. Maybe you should try getting some friends to go out with?

I know this hatred might seem a little unfounded, but I just know we would never be friends in real life. I would never bid you. First of all, you’re not someone I would want to share clothes with, because you dress like a Kindergarten teacher. Second of all, you are probably zero fun to go out with because you always brag about how you don’t drink. Are you serious? There is a time and a place to be every 11 year old’s idol, and it’s if you’re a Disney Channel star. I also really feel like you don’t know how to take a joke, judging by how you still aren’t over that whole Kanye West incident (which was actually hilarious, by the way. Team Kanye).

Even though I hate you, I really think I should give you some advice on how not to destroy your current relationship with the Kennedy. I think marrying a Kennedy should be every American girl’s number one priority, and, seeing as how you’re dating one, you’re ahead of the rest of us.

Stop being crazy. I think you should sell the house you bought next to his. It’s too soon, and you’re looking very possessive.
Wear better clothes. You’re so rich. You can afford a lot more couture and a lot less Anthropologie. Hire someone to write your songs, if you’re still set on the whole singing thing. I know, I know, you love the fact that you write your own stuff, but you know what, until you can write about something other than getting cheated on, I think you should get some help. Tell everyone your new song was just a belated April Fool’s day joke. Stop being awkward. I feel uncomfortable watching you because I can sense the awkward in the room where you are.

You’re welcome.


Follow me on Twitter @PearlsHiltonTSM

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