An Open Letter to Rebel Wilson

Hello Reb.

I hope it’s okay that I call you that. You don’t really seem like the kind of girl who gets too upset when someone decides do alter her birth name, so I’m sure it’s probably fine. Also, I get that you’re Australian, and I’m willing to work past this with you. I’m also willing to gloss over the fact that your parents named your siblings Liberty, Ryot, and Annachi, which renders them subversive idiots who barely have a handle on phonetic spelling. Whatever, moving on.

When I first saw you on Workaholics, I decided that I hated you because you reminded me of any fat girl that I’ve ever become mildly acquainted with. You assumed that everyone is going to judge you on your weight (true) and decided to use your loud, obnoxious personality to make a name for yourself.

I stand corrected.

First of all, you’re actually a complete and total psycho, which I love. I mean, you were this brilliant scholar child of dog breeders, until you contracted malaria and started having hallucinations that you won an Oscar. So like, you immediately decided to become an actress. I just can’t even. After your career sort of took off, you made Bridesmaids, which was BEYOND hilarious, because you played the perfect supporting character. I recently had the pleasure of seeing you in Pitch Perfect, and honestly, you’re kind of a vision. Here’s why:

You are becoming the new icon for fat girls EVERYWHERE. Before you, I assumed the fat girl of the group was always the one who got there because of money or well-connected parents, only so she could impose her annoying, obnoxious personality and judgmental opinions on everyone. We all know the token fat girl LOVES to judge the rest of us for our questionable hook-ups while she pretends to be a lady of high morality, when in reality, if anyone were interested in hooking up with her she would take him up on the offer in a heartbeat. You’ve started a new era, where fat girls actually have redeeming qualities. You’re making me feel like a better person for looking past the extra forty pounds on someone in search of their sense of humor, and I really thank you for that.

I just have one huge problem with you: now you’re a Jenny Craig representative, and you’re going on this huge weight-loss spree. Look, I’m all for weight loss. In fact, I’m the biggest advocate of it. However, I think that everyone on earth has a specific niche to fill, and yours is not to be some skinny, weight loss-obsessed freak. There are a TON of celebrities who have made it their prerogative to push their weight loss agenda on everyone else, and do you want to know the only thing they wind up losing? Their appeal. Look at Kirstie Alley: there was a time where she was making mildly comical movies after her appearance on an iconic television show. Now, she’s like obese every two months until she can get her lap band under control, and everyone’s over it.

Also, there is nothing more annoying than a fat girl who tries to diet. I can’t even deal with how difficult it is to explain fifty times a day that a salad drowned in ranch dressing (NO) does not a serving of vegetables make, and that it’s great to eat strawberries, but covering them in Nutella and washing them down with a Diet Coke is pointless. Also, if you become one of those people who gets obsessed with working out, everyone is going to hate you. Nothing is more of a buzz kill than that girl who used to be fun until she got into Crossfit.

Keep all of this in mind, but most of all, keep in mind that you’ve been widely accepted by the huge success you’ve already become – a really hilarious, fat foreign girl.

Now go eat enough Chick-Fil-A for both of us.

Pearls xo


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