An Open Letter to Jessica Biel

Dear Jessica:
Hello, it’s me, Pearls, the authority on everything happening in Hollywood. I also happen to be an authority on fashion, stalking, and brutal honesty. It’s fine. Recently, you caused quite the stir by making everyone leave LA/New York to come to your Italian wedding to the former boy band mega star, Justin Timberlake. Justin was once the hottest 16 year old on the planet, and now I think he’s a little bit tired. I mean, he’s been so busy making you stay relevant over the past few years he’s probably exhausted.

I don’t really know what you’ve been up to since 7th Heaven, and I don’t really know why Justin’s attracted to you, when I honestly believe he should still be pining for my BFF/inspiration Britney (Spears), but this letter isn’t about that. While I would love to yell at you for your constant state of blasé facial expression and inability to realize straight bangs are not for everyone, I don’t have all day.

We need to talk about your fashion choices, most importantly, your HORRIBLE choice in wedding dress. I get it, Jessica, you wanted to do something different, but you missed the mark so far you might as well have been shooting for South Beach and landed in Reno. I am legiterally appalled that nobody stopped you from wearing that horrible pink dress ON YOUR WEDDING DAY. Do you not have gay friends? Was Lance Bass unavailable? Are you blind!?

Listen, I’m all for bold fashion choices. I CRIED during last year’s Oscars when Gwenyth had that amazing white cape Tom Ford moment. I can even get down with Marchesa once in a while, which Blake Lively wore for her wedding (still not loving that, but it’s her day and if she wanted to look like a figure skater/cocktail waitress…I mean…), but a pink wedding dress is honestly where I draw the line. It was as if you slapped the entire world in the face. You had the perfect set up for an amazing wedding, and you turned it into the equivalent of a six year old girls’ birthday party. Who styled you, Sophia Grace and Rosie?

I’m so annoyed with you. Here’s what you did wrong:
1) You are not Reese Witherspoon. She wore a blush pink dress for her SECOND wedding, and it wasn’t traditional, but then again, neither is getting re-married. She made it work.
2) This was your FIRST wedding. I know, I know, it’s 2012. Not all brides have to wear a blindingly white gown. However, I think that for your first wedding, you should at least show some respect to the tradition of marriage by wearing white/ivory/champagne/not a ridiculous color.
3) Your cake and flowers were also over the top and ridiculous, because they complimented your hideous dress.
4) Bridesmaid dresses are this crazy way of adding color to your wedding. The best part of them is that you don’t have to wear the dress, so you can make it as ridiculous/unflattering as you can get away with without having your friends hate you. Everybody wins.
5) I don’t know why you would choose THAT shade of pink. It’s not even close to white. Who are you, Gwen Stefani? No, you’re not. And even she didn’t pull off that ombre scenario at her wedding.
6) If this is the dress you chose for the most important day of your life, I think it’s safe to say you’re going to be doomed from here on out. There is zero chance of you ever redeeming yourself from this awful blunder.
7) I think you even knew your dress was awful, because you changed part way through the reception. (A. stop channeling Kim Kardashian, B. you put on a ready to wear gown. I can’t even go there.)

Ultimately, I think your marriage is going to fail because you turned your wedding into a tea party instead of what had the potential to be THE event of the season. I’d like to end with a poem:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
First time brides are supposed to wear white
Not an oversized pink tutu. Idiot.

Oh, and tell Justin to start making music again. I haven’t trusted him as an actor since Alpha Dog.

Pearls xo


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